I have made this a top five list to avoid verbosity, the list of heroes I’d like to highlight is almost endless…I’ll probably make this a series or something. So here goes…
5. At number 5, We have our only hottie of the bunch.
Wonder Woman is an Amazon (based on the Amazons of Greek mythology) and was created by Marston, an American, as a “distinctly feminist role model whose mission was to bring the Amazon ideals of love, peace, and sexual equality to a world torn by the hatred of men. Her powers include superhuman strength, flight, super-speed, super-stamina, and super-agility. She is highly proficient in hand-to-hand combat and in the art of tactical warfare. She also possesses an animal-like cunning and a natural rapport with animals, (which has in the past been presented as an actual ability to communicate with the animal kingdom). She uses her Lasso of Truth, which forces those bound by it to tell the truth, a pair of indestructible bracelets, a tiara which serves as a projectile, and an invisible airplane.
Wonder- Woman!
What the fuck!! pardon my French, but This is the height of feminist propaganda. Look at all the powers she has just to fight the “hatred of men” and apparent “sexual inequality “. So she dresses like a whore cowgirl on Halloween. She even gets an invisible plane (which I hear inspired the design of the G6) and then she can speak with animals too…hell! she might as well have ESP! and then a Lasso of truth to seduce men into submission. little wonder she was aptly named so. And bugger! she’s deliberately sexy so that whatever villain that’s dumb enough to get into a fight with her would haplessly give in to this seductress. Man, just imagine what would happen if the amazons decided to invade the Earth.
4. Our list would have been totally meaningless without mentioning our next Super hero (sorry, but calling him that feels a lil weird). Now for those of you who don’t know, green lantern(s) wear(s) a ring. Lanterns’ rings were technological creations of the Guardians of the Universe (who set up that committee?), who granted such rings to worthy (???) candidates. These individuals made up the intergalactic police force known as the Green Lantern Corps.
The Green Lantern corps
Each Green Lantern possesses a power ring and power lantern that gives the user great control over the physical world as long as the wielder has sufficient willpower and strength to wield it.
Now from the above explanation these guys were just thugs with a ring and a lantern! I’m sure villians just shat (past tense of shit) in their pants when they saw one of those. John Stewart was one of such thugs. He was one of the main characters in the Justice League Unlimited series. The day I actually realised John Stewart was just John Stewart was when the ring’s battery ran out in the middle of battle, boy did this guy scamper. He practically ran for dear life, he was even hurling stones at one point to fend off enemies.
3. If you’re familiar with super-zeroes, then our guy here should be no stranger. Withdrawn and reserved physicist Dr Bruce Banner, the unfortunate victim of a gamma ray experiment accident becomes this big ugly green behemoth whenever he gets angry.The character’s creator, Stan Lee describes him as “Hulk’s creation was inspired by a combination of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde and Frankenstein”.
"Hulk angry!!"
but that’s not even the annoying part, what I pledge to ask is, whatever happens to his vocal chords when he’s the Hulk? He turns into the hulk and then starts jabberin in two-syllable-word sentences like: “Hulk Smash!”, “Hulk hurt”, or “I kill you!!”. Another staggering observation is when he is transforming into the Hulk, all his clothes are ripped apart as a result of his expanding muscles and all but wait a sec, his pants must be half indestructible or how else can you explain how he ends up in those tattered pants?! and lastly Dr Bruce Banner is in love, thats okay. His alter ego (the Hulk) falls in love and even that is okay but the girl in the story (our proverbial damsel in distress) actually starts to like the hulk? the friggin’ Hulk?!. Common!! Forget what happened in Shrek (even that was excusable because Fiona had a curse on her which made her also an ogre at night)
2. At number two, we have an intentionally patriotic zero. Captain America was the alter ego of Steve Rogers, a SICKLY young man who was enhanced to the peak of human perfection by an experimental serum in order to aid the United States war effort (During World war two). Captain America wears a costume that bears an American flag motif, and is armed with an indestructible shield that can be thrown as a weapon.
Captain America and his mighty sheild
Now forget the whole “enhanced to the peak of human perfection” phrase, that’s just a gimmick to make us believe he actually has super powers. This guy can’t do diddly. Infact for the life of me the only super hero in the Captain America series was the indestructible shield. All this ‘invalid’ had to do was throw his shield at as many enemies as possible and Wham!! just like that they’d fall like a pack of cards. Captain Agege would have been just as good as any other freak in a costume with that shield!
Little wonder Steve Rogers was justifiably assassinated in the vol 5. of the comic series. I mean this guy is an insult to the Germans and the rest of the axis, he was supposedly ‘created’ to help the U.S. win the war. Ha!! I know his story was set in like the 50’s or something so I’ll cut him just a little slack…but haba! this guy would be fuckin defenceless against Soldiers, tanks and fighter jets et al. and then as if to justify all the anti-hype I’ve given him above, he makes a remarkable come-back from the dead and then assigns his used-to-be side kick to take over the role of Captain America! Moral: Any nitwit can wield that sheild.
-
1. And our number one superzero definitely takes the cake (and probably most of the ice cream too). He’s faster than a speeding bullet, stronger than a speeding locomotive, from the burning flames of Krypton comes the man of steel. It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s… it’s… it’s…Superman! (could just as well have been Stupidman for all I care). Okay, the best thing to ever happen to action heroes in comic book history.
Lets take a look at this guy for a second. First thing that pisses me right off is that this guy actually claims to have a secret identity. He works as Clark Kent at the Daily Planet in Metroplolis (wherever that is) and the only distinguishable feature from his ‘better half’ is a pair of nerd glasses and nobody in the whole of Metropolis (however large it is) has figured out that the Superman is actually Clark friggin’ Kent of the Daily Planet?! Common!! and then of course there’s good old Lois Lane who just happens to be in love with both men at the same friggin’ time but doesn’t have a bloody clue even though both men share a ‘stunning resemblance’ and Clark Kent is ‘conveniently’ never around when Stupidman is….Phu-leeez!!!Even as kids, were we supposed to eat this crap??!
Okay that aside, what do we know of this guy? He’s from Krypton ( He’s an alien, a good lookin’ one too), he gets his powers from the Earth’s yellow sun (???) he’s got superhuman strength, faster than a bullet, can freeze anything with his breath, has heat vision and X-ray vision at the same time and he can fly! Wow!! plus aha!! wait for it…wait for it…His cape is indestructible! For those who aren’t familiar with the English Dictionary, the word indestructible means – cannot be destroyed. I’ve got just one question though (or maybe two) did that cape come from Krypton, or was it not sown in Metropolis? (where the fuck is that anyways? excuse my French).He’s an alien, he’s invulnerable and he does not even get a decent villain to slug it out with except that he’s protecting the world from the menace of the great Lex Luthor who for all we know grew up with Clark in Smallville (another geographic enigma). Speedy Gonzalez would have taken out Lex in seconds (literally). But hey, Superman is like our greatest hero of all time
right? (refer to pic above) nah, I think Hancock would be closer to that title.Authored by ‘Lola.
‘Lola is the Editor at ‘La Critique’ and can be reached at lolaelblack@gmail.com
follow him on Twitter @lolaelblack
La critique 