Water

Posted: June 14, 2014 in humor
Tags: ,

WATER!!!
Water… E no get enemy. That’s the only line I know from that Fela song. Water is such a wonderful thing. I take no less than three litres daily. Any day I take less than that feels like hell; I find I must make up for it the next day.

Seriously, I might drink myself to death someday.

I’m so in love with water. If water could, for just about 5 minutes, become a person, I would fuck the shit outta him. Or her. But unfortunately, water isn’t a person. And as far as I know, Jesus only turned it into wine.
But there’s always the water from the shower head, I guess. I haven’t tried that (yet?) and I don’t know if it’s going to be as good for it – or him, or her – as it will be for me.

Water’s the most sexual thing ever. Right up there with dildos. Stay with me here, and you’ll understand why. When I drink water after a really hot day, I let out a sound that would make Stevie Wonder presume he just stumbled onto the set of a porn film, starring yours truly. Speaking of porn… I wonder what my porn star name would be… I’m thinking “Fubuki”. And no, I did not learn that from a Hentai movie. What the fuck? I don’t even know what Hentai is! You judgmental hypocrites! The lot of you! Okay, moving on.

When I step in the shower, and the water’s set to hot, but I’m too baked from my intense make-out session with a bong to realise it, I turn on the tap and next thing I know I’m getting boiled. Anyone in that situation would let out a scream. Freeze frame, upon my naked, being-boiled body in the shower. Cut out the visuals (really, cut out the visuals, perv… Would it help if I said I had pubes so bushy they’ve turned into dreadlocks? You’re welcome.) Cut out the visuals, and hit rewind. Now listen to that scream again. What does it sound like? I’ll help you. Replace the shower scene with Fubuki getting rammed by some big black guy called Big Dick Johnson. Now hit play. You’re welcome.

In case you’re too slow, what I’m saying is Big Dick Johnson = Water. Hot Water.

Water’s sexual. Everything about it is sexual. From the water bottles I have to put my lips on to drink from, or the water rising up through the straw and filling my mouth, before I swallow, to the pure water sachets which ALWAYS remind me of boobs… Only, thankfully boobs don’t get so small and deflated and squishy like the sachets when you’re done. That would be horrible. Unless you’re a guy with boobs. In which case, find someone to suck on that shit, since you insist on eating so much crap and sitting on your fat ass doing fuck all, you fat fucking fogey!

Okay… This just got personal. I need to calm down. With some water. How exactly? *Barney’s voice* Use your imagination!

PS: it just hit me, that if you re-read this article and replace the word water with semen, this trashicle may (or may not) get even funnier and more disgusting than it already is, AND I will have successfully scarred you for life. Winning!

It’s a sunny Saturday, anybody thirsty?

Authored by Vanessa (@VanessaKanu)
Vanessa is one of our admins here at La Critique and can be reached at vanessakanu@ymail.com
Follow @LaCritique_ng on Twitter and like http://facebook.com/TheCritiques on Facebook

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Comments
  1. Mayowa Olawale-Great says:

    *blink*……*blink*….*blink*…..*replaces the water in his fridge with sand*

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