This One is Bloody

Posted: April 13, 2013 in Uncategorized

Not too long ago, I was reading an article on the internet. Somewhere in the article, was this:
One study showed “that strippers who are ovulating average $70 in tips per hour, those who are menstruating and thus unable to conceive make $35 and those who are doing neither make $50.” 
And then the author went on with the article. But I was stuck at menstruating strippers. I even had an R18 That’s So Raven vision.
In this vision, I was a man, or a lesbian, I’m not sure which … Okay I’ll go with lesbian since I’m not sure how exactly having a schlong dangling between your legs feels. Oh I know! It feels like the rope on the end of a tampon… No, that’s not it; and if anyone actually had that little rope for a penis… Let me just get back to my vision.
So in this vision, or hallucination, *puff, puff, pass*, I, or rather, “Vision-Vanessa” was a lesbian, and she walked into a strip club. It turned out her favorite gal Candy Kane was not around, so she had to find someone else to turn on her faucets. Enter Destiny.
Destiny was working her so good and seemed to be into Vision-Vanessa too, because she was doing all the stuff VV did not pay for, and THEN some, grinding her pussy on VV’s thigh. In fact, they were virtually having sex, except you couldn’t say that because they had very straight faces (no pun intended.) After a while, VV finds her thigh is slick. Really slick. But then, that’s a good thing right? Destiny must like VV very much… Perhaps VV won’t have to pay for this service anymore… Finally, Destiny was done, and time was up. As she walked away, VV decided to wipe some of the slickness on her thigh with a finger, so she could lick it while she watched Destiny’s fabulous ass. And she did. About three times. Before she accidentally spilled her drink on herself and looked down…
Now here’s the sicker part. Vision-Vanessa kept licking. Turns out Vision Vanessa was actually Vampire-Vision-Vanessa, descended directly from Dracula.

I haven’t eaten for two days now.

Going back to the subject of “schlongs”, (or for those of you who bitch that we “blow too much grammar” on LC, “penises”) I absolutely cannot stand it when I have to sit down next to a guy on a bus who sits with both legs so far apart you’d think he had an anaconda or a basilisk down there. I hate body contact, and fuck your opinion but Nigerians for the most part do not understand the concept of personal space. So I always promptly tell them to sit down properly. They always comply, albeit with a look of shock. Whether it’s because this barely 5”5’ girl scolded them like they were three, or because they were thinking “how was she not impressed by the sheer size of my magnificent endowments,” I don’t know. Perhaps each time that happened, I was channeling Vampire-VV. Otherwise, I should have straddled the fool because that banana looks so deliciously healthy, and made him call me mommy.

Back to all things menses related, I want to heartily thank the ancient Egyptians and Greeks, as well as Doctor Earle Haas for their contributions to the wonder that is the tampon. Yes boys, too late. You’ve come this far with me, you’re gonna fucking read this till the end. So suck it up. As to what “it” is I mean you should suck up, *insert devil smiley here* But back to it… that fat thing we used to use, and even the slim pads… It was just not cool, having to worry about it showing through the material of your clothes and all that, or having the adhesive pull out your pubic hair. TMI, maybe. But do you know who wrote this article, bitch?
Another upside to the tampon: getting fucked on the go. It ain’t no Up Chuck, but it’s more or less like having a finger up in there. (For those who don’t know my darling Up Chuck, read my “Merry Fuckin’ Christmas” piece)
So if I cross my legs like so… And squeeze my vadge like so… Oh, there it is! Orgasm. Very convenient. I can even do it in public. So when I tense up or shudder as I come, while saying “Ohgodohgodohmyfuckinglord”, I arch my back, and everyone’s all concerned thinking I’ve pulled a muscle. Technically, I did, but they don’t need to know it’s not my back. You’re probably wondering about how I get away with all the “ohgodding”. Have you ever noticed how pleasure and pain can elicit almost the same sounds from you?

A quick prayer to Evolution/God/Gaia/Ascended Master Margaret Thatcher, hallowed be all your names. Please, we ladies, for the most part, would like to ask: DAFFUQ’S WRONG WITCHU? You honestly couldn’t just let it be that all we had to do is sit down, even if for an hour, and pee that shit the fuck out? Really, was there no other way to let us know we managed to not get pregnant each month? I mean, thanks for fuller tits and all, but the pain, acne, stooling and the ickyness of it is just way too vindictive for me to believe this is all about Eve and a fucking apple or whatever. Yes, ye Holier-Than-Thou’s, I read your thoughts clearly. Knowest thou not that I do not deign to spare thee a fuck?

This article’s run on for too long. I should end now. But before I go, let me just say, I wish vampires were real. Because no matter how prudish every other female reading this pretends to be, sometimes – scratch that, ALL the time – we wouldn’t mind getting some good cunny, ya know? Enter the vampires. They’d lick that shit up, no judgement. Bonus points if the vampires can also perform autofellatio. So when we’re tired of being teased by tongue, and we want the D, they can give it to us, and then suck themselves clean after.
The End.
PS: I’m going to start saying “They want the V.” Whether that’s V for Vanessa or something else, make up your own mind.
Either way, you can’t deny, every time LC has something new on…
You want the V. You want the bloody V.
The End’s End.

Authored by Vanessa (@VanessaKanu)
Vanessa’s one of our admins here at La Critique and can be reached at
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Thanks for stopping by, as always, we care!

  1. Slow~Wynd says:

    Okay this was really creepy and sickening!!!!! Frigging hilarious tho! LMFAO!!!

  2. kunle olawale says:

    *wrethces* *pukes* *looks at V….Vanessa in the psych ward and shakes his head* walks away….back to solitary*

  3. Ita Kufreabasi says:

    Urgh! I can’t believe I managed to read through that, felt kinda sickened somewhere inbetween. The end’s end; good one VVV.

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