Posts Tagged ‘Nigeria’

If you live in Nigeria, especially in the Northern regions, then you know without a doubt it’s been a forgettable year so far. I am however not going into all the morbid details, I’m saving that for a more serious piece. However, even in the midst of all the chaos, crises and vast display of sheer ineptitude (especially from Government quarters), Nigerians have been learning new things, no thanks to the Boko Haram insurgency and the reactions that have trailed it.
I have decided to hereby write what I have learned so far and share the many nuggets of wisdom that have thus been bestowed on us.

1. Important Geographical Information

First thing that shouts right out (and you cannot deny this) is that they’ve expanded our knowledge of Geography. Yep! What? No? well, tell me before now, how many people knew places like Chibok (Borno State) and Nyanya (Abuja) before now? Did you also know before the insurgents’ attacks that Nigeria is bordered in the northern and north eastern regions by Niger, Chad Republic and Cameroun? It’s okay, you’re welcome. I wasn’t gonna take credit for that anyways, but if you insist, you can send an MTN recharge card *straight face*

2. It’s okay to fight an ideal you’re benefitting immensely from

Well, at this point, it is no longer a secret that these guys are a bunch of well-sponsored retarded thugs with no aim but terror. The sad truth is, these retards seem to be smarter than the retards charged with protecting us. But I can see why it’s been hard for the government to understand these terrorists when the terrorists themselves seem to be ironically against western education. You want to know what I think? Well, you’re reading my piece so I’ll assume you do. Well, I think it’d take a whole lot of western education to be able to make guns, armoured tanks and modern warfare equipment that they use. And how about the internet? They even upload videos (some of them up to thirty minutes) on Youtube, (I have inside info that they’re working on a Twitter account and a facebook like page to boot). So, next time you wanna stage a protest against an ideal, policy or what have you, it’s okay to use some of the people you want to fight against to help you arrange the protests and make it a success.

3. Hash tagging

Before now, I’ve had Twitter and Instagram newbies on several occasions ask me “Black, what’s the meaning of hash tagging, why do people use hash tags?”. Yes, I know what you’re thinking. And no, I’m not interested in it! Anyways, enter Boko Haram, throw in a couple of abductions hither and tither and voila! The hash tag that moved the world. #BringBackOurGirls. So now you know what hash tags are for and why they were invented. And then, Nigerians in their usual style turned the whole thing into a carnival. People taking smiling pictures with their pets and all, carrying placards brandishing the hash tag. All manners of selfies and group selfies. Some even going as far as arranging whole photo shoots/ photo sessions to #BringBackOurGirls. There is absolutely no limit to the level of ignorance we have to display to feel relevant!

4. Blood Sharing is common phenomena in Northern Nigeria

I have never donated blood in my life. There, I said it. Mostly because, if I were dying and I was offered some of my own pre-stored blood to reinvigorate me and keep me alive, I’d probably die quicker from taking it. But that’s not the point I’m trying to make here. Well, after the bombings and abductions in Borno, our esteemed first lady *ahem!*, was seen on television shedding tears (understandably reasoning with the plight of the abducted girls) but wait, towards the end, we understand that some people have been sharing blood in Borno without our knowledge albeit the government knew about it. *sigh* Lord, why oh why all these conspiracies from our leaders ehn??? *wipes tears off keyboard* Chei!! There is God oo.

5. America knows much more than you think


Well, you thought you’d seen it all from the action movies of old back to the Jack Bauers of today but nah…. There’s more. During the  last presidential media chat, the president, unequivocally explained how if 20 billion Naira was missing, America will know. Yep! You guessed it. They have diabolical means to these things. So next time you have the curtains down, door locked, and you enter  your password and do your retina scan to access your porn stash so you can pleasure yourself… Always remember, (Say it with me) “America Will Know”

6. When people steal public funds, it is Not corruption

Interesting Fact: Did you know that sloths have been known to die from eating their own hands after mistaking them for tree branches? Huh? “No way!” You say? You think that’s the height of stupidity? Wait till you learn something new today. Our president is a sage. Did you know that when people steal or embezzle or misapppropriate public funds that it is not called corruption? No? You didn’t? Well, thank heavens! Our president is God sent. He has made us understand that “ordinary people stealing money, Nigerians will say it is corruption. All these things you people are saying, it is just people stealing”. Oh tell me you felt that! That tingle and sound you hear when your IQ soars two levels above the sloths’

7. There is God oo

And we saved the best for last. We also know now that there is a God. And he knows as well about all the blood sharing in Borno (and other places that we are yet to find out as of press time). If you were an atheist, or scientologist before now. Please know now from all we have said that, THERE IS GOD OOO. Who do you think created the universe? You believe the big bang theory? You think the first lady was a product of evolution? That she and the rest of you were evolved from apes and chimps? Ha!!! THERE IS GOD OOO.

Well, there concludes it. Though honourable mention should also go to the fact that some words have now become more common in our vocabulary as wel. Words like; insurgents, hash tags and abductions. If you didnt know the meanings of these words or never came across them before the crises? Well, you’re welcome.
See you guys next week.

Authored by ‘Lola El-Imam (@Lolaelblack)
Lola is the editor here at La Critique and can be reached at
Follow @LaCritique_ng on Twitter and like on facebook


It has been over a year since I wrote anything worth reading (let alone publishing) last. In that time, a lot of people have asked me different questions all soliciting a reason as to why La Critique’s been off for so long. Well, life happened. That’s as simple as I can put it. I’ve been through a bad break up, lost motivation, lost a lot of money at one point, lost old friends, made new ones, got several new jobs, made some cool money, changed lives (how you interpret that is entirely up to you), met the most wonderful person I have in my life right now, lost my mom and… back to life!

But life as we see it, while personal, isn’t private. Life involves what we make of ourselves through the people we meet every day, the way we interact with our environment and vice versa. How our decisions affect, in a chain reaction of events, millions of other people who in turn have to make decisions and so on and so forth. If this be the case, and I believe it actually is, why do we then turn a blind eye to the suffering of our neighbour? Why then does the predicament of the next person feel inconsequential to your wellbeing? How can you truly boast of your capabilities materially and otherwise if none of it has been used to the benefit of your immediate environment? The same environment that’s responsible for the air you breathe, the earth you tread, the people you earn a just living from etc.

Think about it.

You have been a Nigerian all your life. Chances are you’ll die a Nigerian. Has Nigeria been kind to you? If not, have you been kind to Nigeria to expect a reciprocation of such affection? Do you think being born within the geographical boundaries of a political set up makes you a citizen? It is not the land but the people. It is the people who make the geographic boundaries. They are the ones responsible for how its resources are utilized. If you believe you cannot make an impact here, chances are you can’t make an impact anywhere. Having a political post, material wealth or any other semblance of grandeur doesn’t make you great. If you weren’t great before attaining that office, wealth, et al you won’t be great from it. Many a people attribute greatness to the things of the realm of the tangible. How far away from the truth they are.

You, who are reading this, are great. Yes! If only you would believe it. If only you would act upon it. If you think you cannot make a change, then other people will make the change for you. Has your life been worthwhile? Are you happy? What do you categorise as ‘worthwhile’ and how do you experience ‘happy’? Can one truly be happy in an environment where hundreds of innocent lives are taken every day? Can one truly wake up with a clear conscience and opening up the paper read about hundreds of teenage girls kidnapped and still remain of a clear conscience? Perhaps, I live in an alternate universe where the human mind works on another level, where it is written “Love thy neighbour as thyself”, where people ought to know that “as a man thinketh in his heart, so is he”.

I therefore apologise, I am a Nigerian, and I am an alien in my country.

“It is easy to dismiss people as terrorists, corrupt, and all that. But the fundamental question is, what kind of environment produces these kind of people and who is responsible for that environment?”. If you do not know the answer with absolute conviction by now, I suggest you stop reading. If you think the few hundreds of people in office are responsible for you who put them there, then you have not been paying attention. For It is also written that “he that has been sent cannot be greater than he that sent him”. So how then can a feeble leadership be greater than the “ordinary people” it has been called to serve?
Again, I apologise, I am alien to these concepts but a Nigerian, yet I remain.

To quote the great political thinker, Edmund Burke; “The only thing necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing”. So dear Nigerian, if you’re asking me what to do, if you’re asking me what needs to be done, if you’d like to know where to begin, all I can say is (paraphrasing Michael Jackson’s “Man in The Mirror) start with the great man you see every morning in the mirror, ask him to change his ways and “no message could’ve been any clearer, if you wanna make the world a better place, take a look at yourself and then make the change”.

May the good Lord be with us all. Amen

Please say a little prayer for the many lives that have been lost to these needless killings and man’s inhumanity to man before you leave this page. That is all the reward I ask for sharing my thoughts with you.

Live long and prosper!

Authored by ‘Lola El-Imam
‘Lola is the editor here at La Critique and can be reached at follow ‘Lola on Twitter @Lolaelblack and follow @LaCritique_ng.
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The information contained in this article may be used as a substitute for professional advice (Yes!!)
The accuracy and completeness of the information provided in the article and the advice within is guaranteed or warranted to produce only one particular result (become Naija president) but the advice and strategies may not be suitable for every individual (especially if you had shoes when you were younger)
The author disclaims any liability for loss, injury, or damage, resulting directly or indirectly from the use or application of any of the contents of the article including any loss or injury resulting directly or indirectly from the negligence of the author (e dey happen).
Any application of the material set forth in this article is at the reader’s discretion and is his or her sole responsibility.
Now to the matter at hand; I missed the presidential debate between Mitt Romney and Barack Obama not because I was not interested but because despite my interest and keen desire to observe an intellectual debate between two men of notable repute go at it wit for wit, I missed it nonetheless due to reasons beyond my control.
So as a Nigerian, I’m wondering what our own presidential race would look like in 2015 and then I dug up a few things here and there in my bid to know what it actually takes to be the next Nigerian president and Voila!! Here, I present you with sure-fire tips that if followed to the letter will ensure you the seat in Aso rock
Now forget all that crap that self-help books tell you about having desire, passion, leadership qualities and all that bull. All that stuff might work in their world but not in Nigeria. So here’s our own sure-fire guide to getting the presidential ticket come 2015. Goodluck! ( pun definitely not intended)
1. Join the PDP (Power Democratic Party) : I actually had to search Google to be sure that the first P actually stood for “People”. There is nothing “people” about this party. They are all about power and seeing as it is conveniently what you also seek, Of course you should join the winning team to have any chance what so-ever of attaining the seat at Aso Rock Villa.

2. Be absolutely clueless: And I say this as the most important quality. Your cluelessness should be to the point of mind-boggling extremes. If whenever national issues arise, you actually have an idea what to do, then you have no business being our president. Whenever there’s a pending national issue or disaster, you can go on a diplomatic visit to The Republic of Siberia or represent the first lady at a United Nations Women’s conference (somewhere not-Nigeria). Hey, history shows it works!

3. You must have had no shoes as a child growing up in your remote community (or suffered a fate of similar proportions; like an earthquake wiped your entire community and you were the sole survivor or you were tied to a chair and forced to watch Tonto Dikeh sing for 24hours straight) whatever your childhood trauma, be sure to set it as the main focus of your campaign and anyone with half a conscience should vote for you. I mean watching Tonto Dikeh sing??? Who survives that?! Okay, moving on…

4. Patience: If you believe in the phrase “Patience is a virtue”, you’re either not Nigerian or you’re the current first lady of Nigeria *clears throat*. Alongside a little bit of goodluck to go with your campaign, you’ll also need patience (pun definitely not intended) to deal with the rigours of election campaign and media/paparazzi wahala.

5. Be bereft of tact: Always know exactly what to say when the need arises. Like when you’re questioned on terrorism in the country, you could answer thus “terrorism is a global phenomenon, maybe it is Nigeria’s turn” or issues like global warming you could just be witty “you know global warming is like getting fat. You know it’s bad, but what can you do about it?” now that’s what I call Savoir faire!

6. Never participate in debates with fellow candidates instead set up one with a celebrity that’s dumb enough to accept that role (suggestions: Tonto Dikeh, Vic O, D’Banj , Davido et cetera) and call him/her the youth ambassador. Arrange for him/her to ask you dumb questions and raise serious matters that affect the masses like how much money we need to change the design of Nigeria’s official vehicle number plates or how many more nit-wits should be awarded national honours (GCFR, GCON, MON, MUMU et cetera)

7. Don’t study anything that has to do with political science, liberal arts or governance-related in school: You see It doesn’t really help to have the right expertise when your aim is to be clueless. What would a degree in political science, law or the liberal arts do to help you govern Nigeria? Why not just get a doctorate in Chemistry, or Agric Science? or better yet, a jail term might do wonders for your CV. Whatever you study, make sure it serves as a pointer to the fact that you know absolutely nothing about governance.
So with these seven key points, i wish you the very best in your pursuit of the hot seat at Aso rock come 2015. I’m sure you might ask, why I haven’t taken my advice and become president myself? Well, my interests lie elsewhere but I am a sincere patriot of this great country *stifles laughter* and to prove it I am ending this piece with the pledge. I pledge to Nigeria my country, to be faithful, loyal and honest, to serve Nigeria with all my …….*struggling to breathe*…….. okay I’m done!

Authored by Lola

Lola is the editor here at La Critique and can be reached at
Follow him on twitter @lolaelblack
Follow La Critique @LaCritique_ng and like us on facebook too