Posts Tagged ‘humour’

Funny Girl Or Not

Posted: May 24, 2014 in humor
Tags: ,

        I’m back again and yet I still feel like this is only an introduction. I can’t say I didn’t enjoy the hiatus La Critique went on. To show you how much of a slacker I am, I still have no idea why we went on a break I sure am glad though. Combining my unwillingness to write with the happenings of my day to day life, in the past few months, would have been almost impossible. But I like impossible. I was born that way. And it’s is due to this hiatus that I feel like that unlucky kid who joins a new school in third term and has to move to a new class after Summer break and start the process of making friends all over again. Never mind that I had no anxiety about this happening to me in primary school. I actually looked forward to the change. Always the new kid around these parts I guess.
         At this point, I’m wondering if I have managed to give the impression that my introduction actually has a body to follow it. Well, I guess we’ll find out together. No, you didn’t read wrong. This is an experiment. I should probably issue a disclaimer before I go any further. The well respected members of our team did not give their consent for such level of tomfoolery to be carried out on here. I have not obtained or even sought permission in attempting such brazen levels of shamelessness. I have pulled this or am pulling this off entirely on my own. If this goes south, I will gladly take the fall alone. If by any chance, some of you are forgiving enough to accept the prank I’m trying so hard to pull off as an article, I‘ll take the credit alone too. It would mean I have found the answer to combating procrastination. I would like my gold plaque delivered to my house with white orchids. Thank you. 
         As you might have guessed I procrastinated on writing  and now, just hours from my deadline, I’m planning to pull the wool over your eyes. The more I think about it, the less likely it is that I will pull it off. I might as well broach the topic I had in mind.
          I just want to know who declared that girls could not be funny? Who? Who exactly died and made it a man’s biological right to be funny? Now, I’m sure most of you are getting ready for some feminist think piece on why the “funny gene” is actually feminine. You’ll have to wait a really long time. Yes, I’m a feminist but I’m done with the words “think” and “piece” especially when placed together. I’ve read so much crap disguised at “think-pieces” on the internet, I think I could possibly implode or worse yet, explode if I read another one. Anyway back to my point but first let me do a word count.
          My interest in the issue of funny females first piqued when I was with a certain guy. He was funny. Well, I found him funny. I’ll never be sure if it’s one of those things where your brain shuts down because of hormones and  Cupid’s stupid arrows or the dude was legitimately funny. Anyway, every time I made him laugh, he always used to make it a point of stating that I often got lucky but I wasn’t actually funny. Turns out, I could never be sure if he was telling the truth about anything. That being said, I had somehow always believed that being funny was a thing guys were better at. Funny thing is, I never had this view until I left the sweet confines of my nuclear family. Everywhere I went there seemed to be a general consensus that women are really not funny and that the few who are, are somehow an anomaly. Before you try to argue that I’m making this thing up. I’ll  ask a question, how many comediennes do you know? How many do you like? Now, how may of them are really successful and famous for their trade? If she‘s an actress on the side, she doesn‘t count right now. I’ll wait for a figure…. Now how many men fit into the same criteria? A whole lot more I’m sure. I can’t even begin to attempt explaining why – in this lazy attempt of an article – mostly because I don’t know. Before you try to bring up (SNL) Saturday Night Live Cast, I would like you to ask yourself this question: “Do you honestly think girls are just as capable of being funny as boys? ” If not, why? Because we are more passionate about nagging or we are only good at gossiping? Please these stereotypes are so over-flogged so can someone please come up with a rational explanation. I could use one and I‘ll be waiting… or not.
          I’m that girl with a million and one male friends and in my experience, early on in our friendship, most of them would be reluctant to laugh out loud in public at my jokes. They would stifle their laughter and try to make up some logical excuse for why I had caught them unawares. With time, some of them would go as far as being pleasantly surprised that I was funny. While others would attribute my “newly found humor”  to the benefits of hanging out with them. I have even received handshakes for making dudes laugh. I’m entirely confused as to why that is. Now, I’m no Kevin Hart, (Yes, I went with a guy because y’all probably wouldn’t think much of a comedienne as a worthy example or you wouldn’t even know her ) but I tend to “get lucky” often enough to compare the reactions of my male and female friends. 
          I noticed that whenever I would be with my girls or even just other girls, they’d  be laughing a lot while I spoke. While with my guys, I was supposed to do the laughing and not try to challenge them at this manly art of eliciting laughter. Whenever I did, I was met with quiet smiles, stifled laughter and banter about how “ I was trying“. It was often a mix of the above mentioned responses. I naturally concluded that I was funny but only to girls. I’m not even going to re-read that sentence. I apologize for how stupid and naïve I was. I assure you I have changed. They wouldn’t let me write for La Critique otherwise. Anyway, I decided to try something. I ignored the unsure reception of my jokes. I stood my ground and talked as much smack as the next guy about how funny I was and before you now it, my guys were openly laughing and acknowledging my good jokes as like the next guy‘s. If I got any hand-shakes, they were the same as the other guys got. Good old kudos for outdoing oneself.
        What am I saying in essence? I’m not sure to be honest. I kid. Perception is everything. From both angles. The way you perceive yourself can change the way others respond to you. The way others perceive you definitely affects their response to you. If you’re a lady reading this, you’re probably as funny as the next guy. But don’t take my word for it. I couldn’t even fit in a joke into two pages of claims. Maybe next I will. Till then Szia.

Authored by Phara (@Ehpeaphany)
Phara is one of our authors here at La Critique and can be reached at fariwonda09@gmail.com

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If you live in Nigeria, especially in the Northern regions, then you know without a doubt it’s been a forgettable year so far. I am however not going into all the morbid details, I’m saving that for a more serious piece. However, even in the midst of all the chaos, crises and vast display of sheer ineptitude (especially from Government quarters), Nigerians have been learning new things, no thanks to the Boko Haram insurgency and the reactions that have trailed it.
I have decided to hereby write what I have learned so far and share the many nuggets of wisdom that have thus been bestowed on us.

1. Important Geographical Information

First thing that shouts right out (and you cannot deny this) is that they’ve expanded our knowledge of Geography. Yep! What? No? well, tell me before now, how many people knew places like Chibok (Borno State) and Nyanya (Abuja) before now? Did you also know before the insurgents’ attacks that Nigeria is bordered in the northern and north eastern regions by Niger, Chad Republic and Cameroun? It’s okay, you’re welcome. I wasn’t gonna take credit for that anyways, but if you insist, you can send an MTN recharge card *straight face*

2. It’s okay to fight an ideal you’re benefitting immensely from

Well, at this point, it is no longer a secret that these guys are a bunch of well-sponsored retarded thugs with no aim but terror. The sad truth is, these retards seem to be smarter than the retards charged with protecting us. But I can see why it’s been hard for the government to understand these terrorists when the terrorists themselves seem to be ironically against western education. You want to know what I think? Well, you’re reading my piece so I’ll assume you do. Well, I think it’d take a whole lot of western education to be able to make guns, armoured tanks and modern warfare equipment that they use. And how about the internet? They even upload videos (some of them up to thirty minutes) on Youtube, (I have inside info that they’re working on a Twitter account and a facebook like page to boot). So, next time you wanna stage a protest against an ideal, policy or what have you, it’s okay to use some of the people you want to fight against to help you arrange the protests and make it a success.

3. Hash tagging

Before now, I’ve had Twitter and Instagram newbies on several occasions ask me “Black, what’s the meaning of hash tagging, why do people use hash tags?”. Yes, I know what you’re thinking. And no, I’m not interested in it! Anyways, enter Boko Haram, throw in a couple of abductions hither and tither and voila! The hash tag that moved the world. #BringBackOurGirls. So now you know what hash tags are for and why they were invented. And then, Nigerians in their usual style turned the whole thing into a carnival. People taking smiling pictures with their pets and all, carrying placards brandishing the hash tag. All manners of selfies and group selfies. Some even going as far as arranging whole photo shoots/ photo sessions to #BringBackOurGirls. There is absolutely no limit to the level of ignorance we have to display to feel relevant!

4. Blood Sharing is common phenomena in Northern Nigeria

I have never donated blood in my life. There, I said it. Mostly because, if I were dying and I was offered some of my own pre-stored blood to reinvigorate me and keep me alive, I’d probably die quicker from taking it. But that’s not the point I’m trying to make here. Well, after the bombings and abductions in Borno, our esteemed first lady *ahem!*, was seen on television shedding tears (understandably reasoning with the plight of the abducted girls) but wait, towards the end, we understand that some people have been sharing blood in Borno without our knowledge albeit the government knew about it. *sigh* Lord, why oh why all these conspiracies from our leaders ehn??? *wipes tears off keyboard* Chei!! There is God oo.

5. America knows much more than you think

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Well, you thought you’d seen it all from the action movies of old back to the Jack Bauers of today but nah…. There’s more. During the  last presidential media chat, the president, unequivocally explained how if 20 billion Naira was missing, America will know. Yep! You guessed it. They have diabolical means to these things. So next time you have the curtains down, door locked, and you enter  your password and do your retina scan to access your porn stash so you can pleasure yourself… Always remember, (Say it with me) “America Will Know”

6. When people steal public funds, it is Not corruption

Interesting Fact: Did you know that sloths have been known to die from eating their own hands after mistaking them for tree branches? Huh? “No way!” You say? You think that’s the height of stupidity? Wait till you learn something new today. Our president is a sage. Did you know that when people steal or embezzle or misapppropriate public funds that it is not called corruption? No? You didn’t? Well, thank heavens! Our president is God sent. He has made us understand that “ordinary people stealing money, Nigerians will say it is corruption. All these things you people are saying, it is just people stealing”. Oh tell me you felt that! That tingle and sound you hear when your IQ soars two levels above the sloths’

7. There is God oo

And we saved the best for last. We also know now that there is a God. And he knows as well about all the blood sharing in Borno (and other places that we are yet to find out as of press time). If you were an atheist, or scientologist before now. Please know now from all we have said that, THERE IS GOD OOO. Who do you think created the universe? You believe the big bang theory? You think the first lady was a product of evolution? That she and the rest of you were evolved from apes and chimps? Ha!!! THERE IS GOD OOO.

Well, there concludes it. Though honourable mention should also go to the fact that some words have now become more common in our vocabulary as wel. Words like; insurgents, hash tags and abductions. If you didnt know the meanings of these words or never came across them before the crises? Well, you’re welcome.
See you guys next week.

Authored by ‘Lola El-Imam (@Lolaelblack)
Lola is the editor here at La Critique and can be reached at lolaelblack@gmail.com
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