This One is Bloody

Posted: April 13, 2013 in Uncategorized

Not too long ago, I was reading an article on the internet. Somewhere in the article, was this:
One study showed “that strippers who are ovulating average $70 in tips per hour, those who are menstruating and thus unable to conceive make $35 and those who are doing neither make $50.” 
And then the author went on with the article. But I was stuck at menstruating strippers. I even had an R18 That’s So Raven vision.
In this vision, I was a man, or a lesbian, I’m not sure which … Okay I’ll go with lesbian since I’m not sure how exactly having a schlong dangling between your legs feels. Oh I know! It feels like the rope on the end of a tampon… No, that’s not it; and if anyone actually had that little rope for a penis… Let me just get back to my vision.
So in this vision, or hallucination, *puff, puff, pass*, I, or rather, “Vision-Vanessa” was a lesbian, and she walked into a strip club. It turned out her favorite gal Candy Kane was not around, so she had to find someone else to turn on her faucets. Enter Destiny.
Destiny was working her so good and seemed to be into Vision-Vanessa too, because she was doing all the stuff VV did not pay for, and THEN some, grinding her pussy on VV’s thigh. In fact, they were virtually having sex, except you couldn’t say that because they had very straight faces (no pun intended.) After a while, VV finds her thigh is slick. Really slick. But then, that’s a good thing right? Destiny must like VV very much… Perhaps VV won’t have to pay for this service anymore… Finally, Destiny was done, and time was up. As she walked away, VV decided to wipe some of the slickness on her thigh with a finger, so she could lick it while she watched Destiny’s fabulous ass. And she did. About three times. Before she accidentally spilled her drink on herself and looked down…
Now here’s the sicker part. Vision-Vanessa kept licking. Turns out Vision Vanessa was actually Vampire-Vision-Vanessa, descended directly from Dracula.

I haven’t eaten for two days now.

Going back to the subject of “schlongs”, (or for those of you who bitch that we “blow too much grammar” on LC, “penises”) I absolutely cannot stand it when I have to sit down next to a guy on a bus who sits with both legs so far apart you’d think he had an anaconda or a basilisk down there. I hate body contact, and fuck your opinion but Nigerians for the most part do not understand the concept of personal space. So I always promptly tell them to sit down properly. They always comply, albeit with a look of shock. Whether it’s because this barely 5”5’ girl scolded them like they were three, or because they were thinking “how was she not impressed by the sheer size of my magnificent endowments,” I don’t know. Perhaps each time that happened, I was channeling Vampire-VV. Otherwise, I should have straddled the fool because that banana looks so deliciously healthy, and made him call me mommy.

Back to all things menses related, I want to heartily thank the ancient Egyptians and Greeks, as well as Doctor Earle Haas for their contributions to the wonder that is the tampon. Yes boys, too late. You’ve come this far with me, you’re gonna fucking read this till the end. So suck it up. As to what “it” is I mean you should suck up, *insert devil smiley here* But back to it… that fat thing we used to use, and even the slim pads… It was just not cool, having to worry about it showing through the material of your clothes and all that, or having the adhesive pull out your pubic hair. TMI, maybe. But do you know who wrote this article, bitch?
Another upside to the tampon: getting fucked on the go. It ain’t no Up Chuck, but it’s more or less like having a finger up in there. (For those who don’t know my darling Up Chuck, read my “Merry Fuckin’ Christmas” piece)
So if I cross my legs like so… And squeeze my vadge like so… Oh, there it is! Orgasm. Very convenient. I can even do it in public. So when I tense up or shudder as I come, while saying “Ohgodohgodohmyfuckinglord”, I arch my back, and everyone’s all concerned thinking I’ve pulled a muscle. Technically, I did, but they don’t need to know it’s not my back. You’re probably wondering about how I get away with all the “ohgodding”. Have you ever noticed how pleasure and pain can elicit almost the same sounds from you?

A quick prayer to Evolution/God/Gaia/Ascended Master Margaret Thatcher, hallowed be all your names. Please, we ladies, for the most part, would like to ask: DAFFUQ’S WRONG WITCHU? You honestly couldn’t just let it be that all we had to do is sit down, even if for an hour, and pee that shit the fuck out? Really, was there no other way to let us know we managed to not get pregnant each month? I mean, thanks for fuller tits and all, but the pain, acne, stooling and the ickyness of it is just way too vindictive for me to believe this is all about Eve and a fucking apple or whatever. Yes, ye Holier-Than-Thou’s, I read your thoughts clearly. Knowest thou not that I do not deign to spare thee a fuck?

This article’s run on for too long. I should end now. But before I go, let me just say, I wish vampires were real. Because no matter how prudish every other female reading this pretends to be, sometimes – scratch that, ALL the time – we wouldn’t mind getting some good cunny, ya know? Enter the vampires. They’d lick that shit up, no judgement. Bonus points if the vampires can also perform autofellatio. So when we’re tired of being teased by tongue, and we want the D, they can give it to us, and then suck themselves clean after.
The End.
PS: I’m going to start saying “They want the V.” Whether that’s V for Vanessa or something else, make up your own mind.
Either way, you can’t deny, every time LC has something new on…
You want the V. You want the bloody V.
The End’s End.

Authored by Vanessa (@VanessaKanu)
Vanessa’s one of our admins here at La Critique and can be reached at vanessakanu@ymail.com
Follow @LaCritique_ng on Twitter and like http://facebook.com/TheCritiques
Thanks for stopping by, as always, we care!

Advertisements

What We Are Missing

Posted: April 6, 2013 in Uncategorized
Tags: ,

Ever imagined what life would be like in the garden of Eden? Well, I have and in my head it’s super cool.. just too cool *wipes tears*. I’m sure I’m not alone, some of you have also pictured what we’d be doing now if we were still in the garden all naked and shii 😉 (no dirty thoughts now *adjusts halo*). Well, I cooked up a few awesome assumptions in my head.

      Top on the list (yes! this is the one that saddens me the most about this life), there would be no need for any formal education whatsoever! Like no need for school; classes, tests, exams and the depression that comes with the whole thing. No lecturers that make you doubt the existence of your brain, no having to study all the time and sometimes the studying won’t even pay off (spirits from the village (-__-). Along with the school part is the fact that there would be no need for job hunting. It’s crazy really how these people know most of the people searching for jobs are fresh graduates and they’ll be asking for 5 years experience, where’s the experience supposed to come from if you can’t get the job in the first place? No boss that makes you contemplate murder, and no need to lose your dignity over some figures, none of that in the garden of Eden. There might not even be any need to work. just eat and sleep all you want! I’m sure there would be no weight criticism in the garden so fatties like me don’t need to stay off anything, eat anything and everything… oh my *drools* (♥⌣♥). Back to the matter * in Wizkid’s voice*

      No need for electricity (to a Nigerian, that means no suffering). Really! Imagine a world where PHCN has got nothing on us, because we don’t even need their measly service. (No power for about a week now (⌣́_⌣̀) )
      Oh yeah one of the most heartbreaking of them all when I think of it, in the garden of Eden, no childbirth pains. I remember when I was younger I wanted to be a nun so bad, not because I didn’t want to be with someone for the rest of my life (I mean who would watch Titanic and not want to fall in love?), but because I wanted to escape it. In Eden it would probably just be “hold on the baby’s coming” *2 seconds later* “you were saying?”. Eve why??? (۳º̩̩́_º̩̩̀)۳.

      People, in the garden of Eden there would be no cars, hence no traffic. Imagine life without traffic, Lagos traffic especially. Lagos traffic makes me think about my life, every single time. I just stare and wallow in mistakes and sadness and all that, None of that in Eden. 😦

     Errr I also assume that since we’d be all innocent and stuff, you’ll probably just grow up, have feelings for someone and marry the person, no complications, boy issues and all that. And maybe it’ll be perfectly normal for women to make the first move too and the man can’t turn her down because we’d all love each other (˘⌣˘ʃƪ). Note to the one that got away: in Eden, we’d have been together forever with 3 kids *sniffs* … or better still, I’d be married to Channing Tatum. Oh my *swoons*

    We wouldn’t need money. Do you have any idea how amazing that would have been? Practically everything we do revolves around the urge to make money. We need it for everything. It’s the reason I’m still in school (dad, hope you’re not reading this?). It’s the reason for all the hard work. I think I say “I need money” more than I say anything else. All the stuff we need money for would be taken care of already.

    There would be no government, just God and angels I presume. The average Nigerian somehow finds a way to blame the government for every single problem of his and those in power make it so easy too. There would be no intoxicated, pot bellied guy that wakes up one day and decides to change the classy name of a federal university to… well y’all know what happened.

    We’d all probably have what we call superpowers right now. Like it’d be normal for everyone to fly when you don’t want to walk, teleport, pass through objects and so on. The number of times I’ve tried to move objects with my mind is so embarrassing :(.

    Music would be provided by the angels so these artists won’t be able to torture us the way they do, singing about booty and money and popping bottles and all that crap.
    Icing on the cake, death will have nothing on us! Although I’m sure people like me would get bored but then it’s better than having to go through one of those Final Destination types of death *shivers* I’d rather be bored for eternity please.
    *snaps back to reality* I need a job. Bye folks 😀

Authored by Kanyinsola (@MsTeeDairo)

Kanyinsola’s one of our authors here at La Critique and runs her own blog at http://whisperingnotes.wordpress.com.

Follow @LaCritique_ng on Twitter and like us on facebook; http://facebook.com/TheCritiques

Thanks for stopping by

Of Nigerian music, the ‘wining’ waist epidemic and new words to add to the Nigerian urban dictionary (there’s one in existence right?)
Oi! Haychizzle in da hizouse! Yo warrido?
LAL!
Hi y’all.
Forget all that nonsense I just wrote oh, I’m obviously high from all the air freshener I’ve been inhaling in this office. Before I go any further, that’s one long ass title right? I bet you haven’t ever come across that long a title right? Well except Fiona Apple’s last album title about an idler wheel blab la bla…. err; I can imagine someone’s scrunched up face like ‘huh? Who tha heck is Fiona Apple??! Well, if you don’t know Fiona Apple, then I’m sorry I can’t help you!

Okay, moving on. Today I’m going to be writing about Nigerian music (yes yes I know, you’ve read too many articles about Nigerian music, Ehen? So? Has it stopped the artistes from singing their balderdash? No. So read!! Frankly I’m really tired of some of our musicians, no, not tired, I’m exhausted from the tons of trash I have to listen to, day in day out. Some just plain hilarious, a lot cringe worthy but hey, who’s complaining? So long as we have it drummed into our ears for hours on end from different sources ranging from the CD vendor with the mega loud speakers, to the radio stations as well as my mum’s transistor radio that I was tortured with on Saturday which is the inspiration for this article. I was in a situation where I had to listen to all of Timaya’s current album ( I say a situation because it was a car I was in that was taking me to work and I could not ask to be dropped on Eko bridge or something, hence, my endurance).

A particular song struck me though and it was one where he implored whichever young woman he was singing to or about, to ‘wine up her body like a monkey’… I was like huh? A monkey? For real? I was at the height of confusion. Are monkeys sexy? Are monkeys now the embodiment of what sexy should be? I’m talking about monkeys here oh! The image just doesn’t cut it for me, in fact there is NO image my brain says! Moving on though, why do most musicians want the ladies to ‘wine’ or ‘shake’ something for them in all their songs? Is that all the ladies are about? Just to ‘wine’ and ‘shake, shake, shake it akpiripitantan shake it’ (in Flavour’s voice) what if all the ladies formed an association against all this wining and shaking rubbish and actually went on strike? Worth a thought right? Anyways Naija artistes are blessed whichever way you want to look at it and that’s why they’re going to keep making their crappy music and keep smiling to the bank. We must not forget though that behind all the ‘trashiness’, there are some hidden nuggets of wisdom be it in a line or a sentence or heck even the whole song! What with all the new words and phrases we have to learn every day and add to our already bulging vocabulary, that’s another reason why I chose to write this article to share with you all the amazing wisdom these songs have taught me and hope you all learn a thing or two.

Merriam -Webster please take note
Nigerian urban dictionary please exist
You don’t know Merriam-Webster? I’m sorry, I can’t help you.

DISCLAIMER: ALL THOUGHTS AND OPINIONS ARE THE WRITER’S. AT NO POINT HAVE I MET WITH ANY OF THE MUSICIANS AND FOUND OUT THESE MEANINGS.
TAKE ME SERIOUSLY AT YOUR OWN RISK.

ALINGO : refers to a kind of dance, which occurs as a result of the girl you have the hots for, first making you bark like a bingo (sic) (while obviously moving her wings), then you sing, and then the Alingo dance comes in . Mating ritual perhaps? No? Okay, moving on.

SKIBO : another kind of dance, which you obviously do ‘along the line’ but you want to know the mind-blowing part? Everyone on that line has a pillow and is a hero! Aha! Bet you didn’t see that coming, did you? If I were you, I’d be doing the Skibo all my life cos let’s face it the whole world loves a hero.

TAKE BANANA : what is a banana? A banana is a fruit. So what exactly were you expecting me to say? Obviously D Prince is into healthy living and all so hey *kanye shrug* what do I know? Ladies please ‘take banana’ regularly!!

KEDIKE : refers to the sound of your heart beating when you’re in love. Hey, who knew?
YOUR WAIST : refers to the waist (of course what else would it refer to?) but did you know there’s actually a list of ‘model’ waists? E.g. Tonto Dikeh, Tiwa savage, Yvonne Nelson, etc ladies please take note.

TONY MONTANA : refers to a bad ass, (we all know Tony Montana was bad right, not as bad as Chuck Norris though) as in when you’re so bad that the definition of bad is you (see what I did there? No? Ok moving on)
P.S. if you don’t know Tony Montana nor Chuck Norris, you know what I always say right?

FIRST OF ALL : forget everything you learnt when you were given the elements with which to summarize a story , now when you say ‘first of all’ this is the next line that must follow…

GO DOWN LOW : what comes immediately after first of all. Das all!!

ARE YOU A LEARNER? : This is a question asked at the mind blowing moment you realise Olamide does not look like Awilo Logomba!

SUGAR CANE NO BE BAMBOO : Refers to the point when you eventually find out this wonderful fact after listening to the deep song ‘gaga crazy’ from whence the quote came. Then you will infact realise that sugarcane is indeed NOT bamboo 😛 (I said whence LOL! Kaiii, Shakespeare steeez *puts on cool shades*)

EMI NI BALLER : refers to when you’re the ultimate baller and spender that no one else can rival. Please note that this phrase is for certified big boiz and gehs only. Thank you.

SELLING POINT : refers to that which makes you stand out . Really you’ve got to give it up to D Prince for his ‘Frenzy’ album, dude got people thinking with this one as the song asked, ‘what’s your selling point’? ‘Do you know your selling point’? ‘You gats to know your selling point’ ‘oya identify your selling point’…. *sigh* if it didn’t get you thinking then you’re not a deep person, I’m sorry. Think and answer this question to move forward in life. A word is enough….

GOODY BAG : refers to a bag that contains cookie? Money and apparently D Prince’s banana is also contained in this goody bag? D prince is also the one to contact if you need this goody bag. So do you want this goody bag?

Phew! I think I should stop here for now. Please, feel free to use the comment box to add your words or phrases and their meanings for compilation.
Thank you thank you
Obrigando, gracias, danke schon, assante sanna, Siyabonga etc
If you’ve been confused reading this as I was confused writing it then….
I’m sorry I can’t help you! ( ˘˘̯)
Peace out!

Authored By Helen ( @haYchRoxx)

Helen is one of our authors here at La Critique and can be reached at ai51182@yahoo.co.uk

Follow @LaCritique_ng on Twitter and like http://facebook.com/TheCritiques on facebook.
Thanks for stopping by, We love you. Seriously, we do!

PSA: No Humans were harmed in the writing of this article. We plan to keep it that way after as well

So I was taking a dump, smoking weed with a little bottle of Sabrina the other day, thinking about my next article on LC and then it hit me. What if I was bit by a mutant tse-tse fly (tse tse flies cause sleeping sickness), got super powers (although the kinda super powers, apart from flight, you’re supposed to get from a tse-tse fly still beats me), made a fancy costume and became *drum roll*… Tse-tse fly man or HouseflyMan (or whatever), wouldn’t that be just amazingly awesome? Yeah? Okay, maybe not. but it got me thinking further, what if our favourite super heroes and comic book characters were actually based in Nigeria (Lagos to be specific)? Would their tasks have been made easier? Would the good people of Lagos State and Fashola cooperate with them? So I looked at some of them and tried to picture the challenges they would go through and decided to share with you guys.

So first person that gets in the spotlight: Batman or as I like to call him; The Bat. For those who’ve been following La Critique for a while now, if you would humour me and just take our minds back to the first piece I did on the World’s Greatest Superzeroes, you would recall that I didn’t write about batman and I only commented on him being one of the most realistic super heroes because he relies purely on his wits and technology to combat enemies. Now, Master Bruce Wayne is a multi-billionaire based in Lagos, lives in a cave (he’ll probably find a good one in Igando or Ikorodu), has all these fancy gadgets and his state of the art bat mobile. (Let’s just assume, for the purpose of this article, that he’s not really a billionaire and he’s an average citizen in Lasgidi) First problem I see with Master Bruce is NEPA. All that effizzy he’s busy doing in the cave with his butler Alfred using technological equipment to track enemies and browse for data. Pfft!! He should just get a Mikano, a high-end inverter or forgerrabarrit. Especially if Area C too will need to be powering the bat signal in the sky. Then the network he uses to browse too will matter because if he’s on MTN, Swift or Starcomms, Master Bruce would be better off going to the cafe o. Two: Fuel scarcity. If he was in Lagos, na trek he go de trek go crime scene or if he gets bike, that’s assuming LASTMA and road safety no dey high way because of the Fashola ban. We’d probably catch a glimpse of him once or twice qeueing up at the filling station with a jerrycan or ordering for black market fuel, and all those fancy gadgets he usually carries around? He better have original chargers for them else when he’s fighting the joker (whose Lagos version would most likely be a jazzman or area boy) all those gadgets will just fail him.

Next super hero that comes to mind is the Amazing Spiderman! Peter Parker. Broke but brilliant college student, part-time photographer and hopeless romantic is a mutant spider-bitten freak who goes around spinning cobwebs and combating crime. Number 1, it’s either spiderman will be based only in Marina and broadway (where there are lots of skyscrapers he can cling to) or na NEPA pole and wire he go dey use travel. Two: he’ll either be in Yabatech or Unilag and both ways, he’s screwed. You go dey Yabatech, be engineering student come broke join, you will now have time for catching pick-pockets and armed robbers?? Taah!! I was once an Engineering student in Yabatech, so I know whereof I speak!

The Avengers: I think the avengers would be quite formidable with Captain Nigeria being their lead guy (who would probably look like a glorified national mascot in his green white green costume) let me even talk about captain America (who in this case is Captain Nigeria) whose story would have been set during the Biafra war and tins. Forget all that one he was doing with the Nazis and Red Skull (who in our case would’ve been Major General Odumegwu Ojukwu) nnah, gbagbe oshi, na jazz Biafran soldiers go use for am last last! Abi the serum they prepared for him is impervious to jazz ni?

Next stop, Thor would probably just be Sango or Amadioha and we know either ways, instead of forming super hero, he’ll just be accepting sacrifice up and down from citizens for different levels of favours and requests.
But I’m thinking “amadioha/sango (let’s call him Amadisango or Sangodioha ) wouldn’t just be accepting sacrifices… He would be striking people with thunder… Okay wait there’s something wrong with that sentence because… Sangodioha is the god of thunder, if I’m not mistaken… And my English teacher once said “thunder is the ‘boom’ that follows after a flash of lightning”, in other words, it’s just noise. That said, Sangodioha is useless in the scheme of things in Nigeria. Especially useless during this season which is as dry as Vanessa’s great grandma’s vagina (please don’t ask me how I know this) May she rest in piece by the way. Or peace or piss or whatever!
So Sangodioha would probably be more useful in creating distractions or diversions with all the noise of the thunder but seeing as you can’t have thunder before lightning, he probably needs to consult the deity who’s responsible for lightning which in this case would be Storm *quickly pictures haych in Storm’s costume* but gods are conceited anyways and I can tell Sangodioha’d be like ” Why the fuck would I, almighty Sangodioha want to go confer with a woman before i can use my powers???”… Omo na back to lemming sacrifices yo!

And how about freakazoid? Does that guy actually have superpowers, what’s he do anyway? He’s more of a super freak (well if he wasn’t babalola, they wouldn’t call him freakazoid now would they? *sips opa eyin*) well the Naija version of him would probably just be your average mad man on the road. No, of course not the average mad man. The Nigerian version is this guy

Freakazoid of Life

Freakazoid of Life

Now there's a Super freak if i ever saw one

Now there’s a Super freak if i ever saw one

Aha, then there’s the hulk, who’ll probably not have his sane alter ego, Dr Bruce Banner because as a Lagosian, by default, you’re angry! So that one will just be breaking and smashing at will. He would have destroyed MTN’s offices and NEPA’s as well… Maybe visit the State house at Alausa, depends on where he channels his anger.

I think lagosians would personally love the Green Lantern. Or let me rephrase, the Green Lantern’s Lantern! Yes, he’s virtually useless without his ring and the lantern. he’ll probably just convert both gadgets to home use. The ring with it’s power will just turn to stand by inverter and the lantern, well… The song “2010” by Sound sultan comes to mind.

Authored by ‘Lola (@Lolaelblack)
With or without additional insights from Vanessa (@VanessaKanu)
‘Lola is the editor here at La Critique and can be reached at lolaelblack@gmail.com
Follow @LaCritique_ng on Twitter and like us on facebook http://facebook.com/TheCritiques

Thanks for stopping by, you have helped one more orphan in Kenya!

To The Humourless
For those of you who take things too seriously or literally, my articles are most likely going to piss you off. And that’s okay. It makes me feel useful to society. At least you’ll think twice about whether you can raise your own kids and not have them turn out like me. There. Population control.

On La Critique, Myself and My Farts
What makes “La Critique” a different blog than most others? We’re snobs. What makes Vanessa Kanu different from the other La Critique authors? She’s the only one who will admit to being a snob. She’s the only one who would scroll down to comments like “una too dey blow grammar,” and fart on her phone just to prove a point. Never mind that she farted on her OWN phone, not the commentator’s face. She’s also the only one who refers to herself in the third person, in a horrible attempt at concealing her arrogance. Or is it her inadequacies? Well you’ll never know.

On My Face
I have one of those faces… the sort you look at and conclude is a hot, but arrogant bitch. It’s probably my prominent jaw. Or the fact that I constantly look bored. Or that I hardly crack a smile. Or how I look like I see right through you. Literally. It’s like you’re not even there. Until I briefly decide you are, so I can use you; and then promptly make you disappear again. Flush you down the toilet of my mind. The toilet that is my mind. Like soiled used tissue. Only difference between me and everyone else when it comes to soiled used flushed tissue, is if absolutely necessary, I will dig through the cesspit to find you and use you again. Nasty? I know. I can be nasty.

On A Certain “Wise” Saying
They say when you point a finger at someone, there’s four pointing back at u. I’d like to correct that. There’s only three pointing at you. Your thumb is pointing at the pointee too. So, in a bid to make sure when I accuse someone, I’m not accusing myself as well, here’s what I do. I point with all five fingers. Ha! In your face, random wise and witty sayings guy!

On “Healthy” Relationships
The truth about healthy relationships is that they are not so healthy. You think they are, but they aren’t. For one thing, the bitch-forward-slash-douchebag you’re dating won’t come right out and tell you when you’re getting fat. Mostly because in a healthy relationship you’re not supposed to hurt your significant other’s feelings. But wait till you break-up. Then you think to yourself, “who does she think she is? I’m gonna find me a replacement, stat. Or a rebounder”. And then you look in the mirror… And you find a double-chin, a pooch for a stomach with about three to four space tires, lovehandles, and a double chin. And the cunt you were dating used to tell you you looked awesome. See? Healthy relationships are unhealthy.

For The One Who First Used the Term “Love Handles”
I mentioned love handles. The fool that named that area of fat, that, should be hanged. If already dead, he should be given a by-force resurrection, so I can shove a red hot metal rod up his rectum and have it come out his mouth. And then I’ll pump acid up there. And then he may be hanged. That’s how unlovely the term “love handles” is. Before you start, ITK, I know why it’s called love handles. So stow it.

More On Why Healthy Relationships Are Unhealthy;
I have a birthmark on the back of my left hand. My ex used to worship it. Said it was sexy, for some reason. Had conversations with it, even. I swear, if there was a way I could have detached my left hand from myself, I am sure I would have walked in on both of them having sex. Now before you say already, that’s an unhealthy relationship, recall we’re talking about me here. That’s healthy in Nessa’s book. So what exactly makes it unhealthy in my eyes now? Well, because everytime I look at my left hand, I want to lop it off. I took a scouring sponge to it once. At least, I tried to. I chickened out. Yes, Nessa’s not as daring as you all thought. Big whoop.

My Recommendations for A Better Nigeria

1: Allow LGBT’s freedom and rights. I know this has nothing to do with Nigeria. I just want my best bud Mansard to feel free to be himself. Like Denrele. Who, I am NOT saying is gay… I just love that dude because he doesn’t give a shit what people say/think about him. He does him. Not in that sense… Well, probably in that sense but that’s not my business and I don’t know.
2: cap Johnny. This can be loosely interpreted… As in give him a new cap, or… You know. Only I know what I mean.
3: Shut down all educational institutions. The system is dead anyway. Channel the funds elsewhere.
4: ban cars. Endorse motorcycles and bicycles instead. I’ve said a million times before: Nigerians are sooo unfit. A bicycle would do each good.

At this point, it should be pretty obvious I’ve been talking out my ass and I haven’t got a clue what good governance entails.

On Animal Rights
Nigerians… I know you couldn’t care less about things like this, but hear me out. Animals are beings too. Just like us. They should have basic rights… To air, to life, to be free, to screw and be screwed. And so, in order to show solidarity for this movement, (which I know I will be the only member of) I have decided on the 23rd of March 2013, at 12 noon, all firm believers in animal rights should gather at the Civic Centre, Lagos… With an animal of their choosing…

And fuck it.

Das all. *drops mic*

Authored By Vanessa,

Vanessa’s one of our admins here at La Critique and can be reached at vanessakanu@ymail.com
Follow her on Twitter @VanessaKanu

Follow @LaCritique_ng on Twitter and like us on facebook http://facebook.com/TheCritiques

As always, thanks for stopping by…

Christmas Sucks

Posted: December 24, 2012 in Uncategorized

PSA: You probably read the title already, yeah? So if you are one of those “I love Christmas” Kumbaya bullshit people please do me a favor and click that red “X” at the top right corner of your screen and go watch *Insert your favorite Christmas themed porno* e.g. Jenna Jameson rides bad Santa
Now don’t get me wrong, I am not a Grinch or anything of the sort. I actually did like Christmas for a brief period in my life when I didn’t know my left from right (unless you are talking about left & right hand held games *sigh * good times).
I have given the whole Christmas thing some thought lately and concluded that it’s totally not worth it. I know! I know! What an un- christianly thought, but common! You know you think about it too. You know you hate it just as much as I do. Or maybe just a wee bit.
You know you hate seeing that cousin your mom’s been singing his/her praises all year. Going on and on about how awesome they are. Even though you know that cousin of yours is a self-important asshole acting all holier than thou when you know what she did last weekend
You know you hate that frigging artificial tree that sits in the box all year till your mom says you should go get it. Yes! You hate that tree! God knows I do. My family’s had the same one for the last 10 years. And for the last eight I have been the one saddled with taking it out the box, setting it up and back in the box again come January.
You know you hate sharing your bed with someone who is not giving you any nookie. Or even giving up the bed altogether. Having to sleep on the couch that smells like your mom’s Yoruba friends butt, probably because she’s been sitting on it all day with the DSTV remote in hand scarfing down fried food and watching African magic Yoruba
You know you hate the never ending errands and the non-stop washing and cleaning and sweeping.
You know you hate the fact that you can’t stay in your room all day in your PJs and not shower till 10pm. Hell! At this point you don’t even have a room
You know you hate your aunts and uncles and their pesky nosy attitude asking you stupid ass questions like “where is your Boyfriend?” and you have to bite your tongue not to say “woman I won’t be here if I had one would I? Or those ones that ask you how’s school?? Even after you answered the same question last year, letting her know you have been out of school for the last 4years. Or my personal favorite, “Have you started working??” (Oh don’t even get me started on that one)
You know you hate it when you have to eat late. When all your clothes smell like smoke! Oh God forbid they cook food just enough for everybody. God forbid they don’t use those coolers that have been tucked away since last year. You hate it when the foods here one minute and then it’s gone the next. Leaving you the Christmas slave hungry and just mega pissed off.
Not to mention those neighbors who can clearly see the smoke rising from your cooking and still decide to bring food over in either that sickly looking 777 steel bowl or the white faux glass ones with the flowers on them
You know you hate it when that uncle fresh from Igonuku village comes to Lagos and you have to take him to the beach. To make matters worse you have to listen to his retelling of the Biafra war. A war he wasn’t even in for chrissakes!!!!
You know you absolutely hate those kids. Your pathetic attempt to speak baby goo-goo and your “aww! She’s so pretty” is not fooling anyone. You totally hate those damn kids running through your room like they own the damn place (o! wait it’s not even your room anymore). There’s always that one kid that has constant diarrhea, one kid who never wants to share, one kid whose only goal in life is to make sure your family would need new plates and cups come January and one kid who is constantly crying.
While we are on that you hate the parents who keep making a new spawn every year. I don’t want to believe people really have time to have that much sex anymore or anyone is even that fertile either. Plus you just know there’s a competition going on between all of them who live in that damn “face me I slap you” building.
But amidst all the hating, you have to realize that Christmas is here to stay and family is family you can’t trade them or sell them. (At least not legally).
Few Tips to get you through this horrible.. oops I mean holiday period;
-This is the one season where lies would make you and everyone around you infinitely happy.
-The worst thing you can do at Christmas is be honest, Don’t tell your Grandma her rice tastes like ass. Don’t tell your mom you would rather watch the Arsenal game than “Sikiratu sindodo”. Don’t tell your dad that the Gangnam style and Azonto are two entirely different things.
-Be civil, respond to everyone the way they expect to be responded to.
-Keep your opinions to yourself. Keep all your conversations as shallow, mundane and mind numbing as possible.
-Accept the fact that you would be killing off some brain cells during this period
-Above all, have a bottle of unfiltered gin tied to a string and dropped in the water system in the bathroom. Whenever you feel like you are about to lose it, just go in there have a drink and everything would look a whole lot better. Promise

Authored by Chuck

Chuck is of our admins here at La Critique, follow him on twitter @Capt_Mdb and @LaCritique_ng

We are on facebook too. http://facebook.com/TheCritiques

Thanks for stopping by, merry christmas and a happy new year in advance!

Nollywood In All Its Glory

Posted: December 5, 2012 in Uncategorized

 Ever got pissed off while watching a Nollywood movie wondering if all producers naturally assume that only dumb people watch their movies? Some are so bad you almost challenge yourself to prove you can come up with something much better. I remember a scene in this movie I saw that was so poor it was unbelievable. They were in a ‘cave’ in a ‘forest’ and the next thing I saw was the dragon in Merlin. They didn’t even make any effort to properly fuse it in a way that would have reduced my urge to yell “WTF?”. It was so annoyingly fake, I was close to tears. I kept wondering how a person could put such a terrible idea on screen without being shot. Go ahead and make your bad movie, just leave the good ones out of it.
    Over time, I’ve come to the conclusion that there’s no special skill, experience or formal education needed to produce these movies. Most of the self-acclaimed producers are experts in other fields who stumbled upon acting and along the line decided to try their hands on producing movies. I mean you don’t have to be a Steven Spielberg to come up with a story line because truth be told, majority don’t take out time to write something that makes you inquisitive about the brain behind such brilliant work.
  The story is usually so cliche, it’s irritating but apparently that doesn’t matter. Some screw ups are so common you can’t help but notice them.
– You don’t need to go the extra mile to come up with something above standard or better still, it doesn’t even have to meet the standard at all.
Don’t stress it out on the props, anything within your reach or not too hard to get would somehow have to make do. “Like my movie or make your own!”
The ‘special effects’ don’t have to be so special, effects are effects. A normal person gets the point yeah? (Dem go understand) Mission accomplished.
It’s okay to have ridiculous “fails” eg. A person recollecting a 15 year old occurrence may not have aged a bit, might even have the same hairstyle. If you look at it from the producer’s point of view, there’s nothing wrong with it or an evil spirit teleports to a house and starts knocking on the door.
– It’s okay for an American returnee to have a British accent.
– It’s okay for “gunshots” to sound like bass drums.
– A ghastly motor accident isn’t one unless the car skids repeatedly and then ends up in the bush.
– A person whose leg is hit by a car can die on the spot from that alone.
– The English subtitles in Yoruba movies do not have to be grammatically correct, you get the idea right? so move on.
– A ghost always makes a dramatic entrance and a dramatic exit.
-Mother-in-laws are always scheming, unnecessarily over-protective and mean to their sons’ wives.
– Oh and there are numerous ways to cut down on the cost, you can split all the main posts that make up the crew among yourself and your family. There’s even no crime in being in the cast and the crew, after all nobody made any rules regarding that.
– Suspense ain’t shiii! No time to think, just make the main concept the title and make it easy for a person to tell how the movie will go and how it might end after watching the first three scenes.
– The ‘daughter’ can be older than the ‘father’… but what is your business? just watch the movie.
– And yeah it’s okay for a newly born child to look a year old… a baby is a baby.
– To make more money, your movie can have 3 or more ‘parts’… one dose of torture isn’t enough.
  There are too many issues I wonder why these people haven’t given up. A person can watch a regular movie and conclude that Nigerian kids aren’t as smart as their peers in other countries. There are times you can see them laughing or trying to hide grins in serious scenes. Add that to the funny way they talk, picking their words one after the other – some even look pitiful in the process – makes you wonder if the child is struggling because that’s what it looks like.
    No need to mention names, but seeing the names of certain actors at the beginning of a movie would give you hints like what role they’ll be playing because it’s always that way or in some cases, it lets you in on what the movie is about. I’m yet to understand the reason for constantly using the same set of people over and over or why the producer just feels he has to be in a movie too when his/her acting is an outright zero, but then again only few of the actors themselves actually know how to act.
   Almost everything seems forced or unnatural, the bedrooms which are obviously hotel rooms, the forced accents, the make up on their faces when they wake up. And must new lovers play on the beach or run around their gardens? Must the king’s son or daughter fall in love with someone they can’t get married to because there’s a difference in financial or social status or some other reason? If you can’t get a real American to act as one, leave it at that, must a Lebanese with a struggling accent play the role instead? The ‘naughty scenes’ make you want to puke! The moaning sounds like irritating groans and the kisses are just plain horrendous! It’s like a fight to eat the other person lips.
   Bottom line, the movie doesn’t have to make sense bro. There’s the cast, the crew and a story, a moral lesson isn’t necessary. In fact, an impact on people, on the society in general isn’t necessary. Just do your thing and make your money, that is the reason for making movies after all. The good side to these countless flaws is that someone like me can produce a movie because I have what it takes, anyone has what it takes… there is a Nollywood movie producer in us all! *big smile*

Authored by Kanyinsola (@MsTeeDairo)

Kanyinsola’s one of our authors here at La Critique and runs her own blog at http://whisperingnotes.wordpress.com.

Follow @LaCritique_ng on Twitter and like us on facebook; http://facebook.com/TheCritiques

Thanks for stopping by!