Archive for the ‘Music’ Category

The Dorobucci Principle, How We All Fit on the Ladder and All That Jazz (Might Just Be the Biggest Song of the Year)

Yes yes, the title is too long so bite me:-p
By the way, if you’re yet to listen to the song and haven’t experienced “Dorobucci”, download the mp3 version here for free –> http://tooxclusive.com/music/mavins-dorobucci-ft-don-jazzy-tiwa-savage-dr-sid-dprince-reekado-banks-korede-bello-dija/ and listen before you go ahead.
Okay, let’s start this all over again.
Hi everyone, it’s been one long hot minute hasn’t it? Sure feels good to be back:-D

So I was still lying down last Saturday revelling in my awesomeness, when my very good friend, let’s call him Mr. Potato head, sent me a link to a song. Now, I had been seeing Doro this and Doro that on twitter but I wasn’t really interested, let’s face it, there are trends almost every passing minute.

image

Doro this... Doro that...

Until Don Jazzy tweeted the link to a high life song that I downloaded and I was like “is this what all the hype is about? (insert yawn)”. That was Friday night. So Saturday morning, Mr. Potato head saved me and introduced me to what in my opinion might be the biggest song of the year (I was rooting for Davido’s ‘Aye’, a gist for later)

Anyways I downloaded the song, and as they say the rest is history. My life hasn’t been the same since I downloaded this song and I really cannot remember the number of times I have played it, there’s just this thing about the song starting with the mad beat (Ehen, so what else is new, you ask?) anyhoos, I’m not here to analyze the song or am I?

So who/ what is a Dorobucci?

I will go with a definition that comes up a bit further in the song which says ‘Doro is a cheerful giver; Doro is a kind of boss’…  Yes, right there is where I want to start my analysis from so be a sweetie and go along with me on this ride, as you discover where you fit on the ladder.
Don Jazzy begins the song of course, as a boss  and we are taken into the Dorobucci world…

If you’re a don, then you’re obviously a Dorobucci (I’m sure the dons in Sicily will be uber thrilled at this. Let’s face it Don Corleone is just too mainstream dontcha think? Doro Corleone sounds much better no?)

If you’re big, bloody? Skillful and heavy (insert whoever you want to here please) then you’re a Doro.

If you “gather more than everybody for the gathering” and are frosh (not a smello) yup! you gorrit, you’re a Doro.

If you’re fresh (yes there’s a difference between ‘fresh’ and ‘frosh’, what’s the difference? I don’t know, ask Olamide) flashy, classy and finer than any one you see around you? Doro is you!

Oh and my favorite part of the song has to be Tiwa’s part, to all the divas out there, yup! you’re all Doros. Doro Bey, Doro Rihanna, Doro Tiwa, Doro Dija, Doro Patience.  All leaders are Doros and you follow leaders so why not follow the ladder while at it? At this point I am confused as to what ladder Tiwa is referring to but it makes me laugh and brings to mind a certain ‘Follow the Ladder’ song by Sister Agnes (please check out the video on you tube here > https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cQ5zrHh7Rm4 )

Doro hot, doreminado (*sigh* why lawd?) doro meeee, doro youuuuu, doro critiquesssss we the baddest crewwwwwww *please don’t stop reading I beg you*

If you have surulere, you grab, you carry, you fast, sweet, you knack more than a carpenter that has been knacking… (Please don’t ask me) you’re either Ronaldo or Messi? You know what you are.

If you’re an African prince (remember all those 419 emails you tried your hands on back in the day, of course I’m talking to you  :-P) , I’d like to congratulate you on being a Doro way ahead of your peers, a Mega Super Star Doro you are and will always be!

If you eat or sell suya and fish? You’re a Doro #Don’tArgueJustAccept

If you’re bad azzzin badder than baddo, badder than Tony Montana and you’re double o seven or even Chuck Norris, then you’re a Doro.

Doro is a yaro, with money who does what he likes… (this cannot be over emphasized)

Doro is a boss and a cheerful giver (we all know what the bible says about those ones yeah?)

Doro is a money spender, if your name is saved as ‘maga 1’ on any babe’s phone? Yep you’re a Doro! ( Awwwwww and you thought you wouldn’t make the Doro list )

If you care a lot about your dental hygiene (flossing) yup! You’re a Doro, or how else will you get that super mega smile, that’ll make all the chickalas swoon as a gallant Doro causing wahala all over the place?

As a Doro you must be naughty, be a baller, be poppin’, be fly, be Doro etc

I could go on and on but I’m sure you get the general idea, Dorobucci is a jam, and we love it because it has managed to put all of us into our level of Doroness, abi is it Dorobucciness? But wait, I have an issue and I want to make it about gender here; what is a female Dorobucci called? Is she a Dorobuccess? Or Dorobuccina? Or perhaps the name is unisex? You know me I like to ask questions. Anyways, Dorobucci is a lovely and fun song and I’d like to give a huge shout out to the Mavin crew for this one. What do we say, the dictionary peeps think about adding Doro to the awesome words already in existence?
Okay, before I bore you all to death let me stop here for today, download and listen to ‘Dorobucci’, thank me later and I’ll thank Mr. Potato head.

P.S. If you read through this article and you didn’t identify yourself on the ladder as a Doro of any kind, then what is this life really? Why are you here? Please for your own good, say this simple short prayer after me:
‘Oh God of Dorobucci, locate me by fire (*5) in Jesus Name’.
‘Any evil spirit delaying my Doroness , fall down and die (*10)
If you said these prayers, then brothers and sisters you’re the next Doro in line!
Alleluya! Chicken Suya! LAL!
Peace out!
P.P.S. I’m totally feeling Olamide’s ‘Anifowose’ and Runtown’s ‘Gallardo’, just thought to put that out there.
Okay, I’m really done this time.
Bye!

Authored by Helen (@HaYchRoxx)
Helen is one of our authors here at La Critique and can be reached at ai51182@yahoo.co.uk

Follow @LaCritique_ng on Twitter and like http://facebook.com/TheCritiques on facebook.
Thanks for stopping by, We love you.
Seriously, we do!

So I had pondered and pondered on what to write, countless sleepless nights, and then it hit me, Eureka! I had an ‘Aha’ moment (not the music group oh) like some of you even know ‘Aha’ the music group *rme* oya run to Google *tongue out* . Lol. Ok people don’t get mad please continue reading, I beg you *straight face*. This article isn’t even about Aha anyways so moving on…

Since I had so many sleepless nights, I decided to put that into good use and write about all those thoughts that haunt me. So here goes; please feel free to ponder on these thoughts as well as add yours, and if this article leads you to have sleepless nights like me then I’ve fulfilled my purpose :‎​Ð
The questions will start with ‘what if’?

What if I had gotten pregnant fourteen years ago? Would my son(yes I’d have had a son) be as hot as me? Would he have called me aunty cos he’‎​Ð just be too overwhelmed by my sexiness to call me mummy?

What if I were a guy? Would ladies have loved me like Chris Brown? Would the gals want my ‘D’? Would I have been able to set unlimited ‘P’s on twitter? Would Chika have married me? Would I have been taller?

What if Abiola had become the President of Nigeria in 1993? Would Nigeria have been better? Would he have been the messiah?

What if Abacha didn’t die? Would he still have been in power?

What if GEJ had shoes while growing up? Would Nigeria be in this mess it’s in right now with his clueless leadership?

What if I hadn’t met Babalola on that cold windy night at the AA meeting? Would he have given me the chance to write on La Critique? *Grateful tears* 😛

What if Vanessa Kanu actually became sane? Would she become the next president of Nigeria?

What if Obama IS the anti christ? Won’t we all wish we hadn’t laughed at Femi Fani Kayode’s article (if you haven’t read it I’m so sorry I can’t help you, or maybe Babalola will post a link?) Wouldn’t we just push GEJ aside and make F.F.K president?

What if Adele decided to drink hypo after her boyfriend broke her heart ? Would we have been blessed with her awesome songs?

What if someone actually took Babalola’s article about how to become Nigeria’s president, follows all the steps and actually becomes president?

What if the numbers Americans will get (as regards Obama’s health care plan) is what will actually be the ticket to heaven? *dodges shoe, slap, cane, kicks and runs to timbuktu* 😛

What if the world DOES end on the 21st of December according to the movie ‘2012’, wouldn’t people like Kendra feel bad about not listening and feel sorry for writing that article, calling us who believe this dumb? -_-

What if the arks are actually being made in China?

What if Noah hadn’t allowed the mosquitoes and those wicked black ants into the ark?

What if Vanessa hadn’t introduced me to Lana Del Rey’s music?

What if Lana Del Rey actually agrees to elope with me? (That’s if she actually gets to ever read any of my fan mails and tweets 😦 )

What if Twitter didn’t exist?

What if we didn’t have the bathroom to think all those awesome life changing thoughts?

What if Maxwell decides I’m the love of his life, his soul mate (yes Maxwell the artiste)

What if I wasn’t wearing my matching bra and panties right now? Would I have this much inspiration?

What if Chuck decides to become a Priest?

What if M.J didn’t die? Would I have saved\stolen\ sold stuff enough to go and see him at the O2 arena?

What if Tonto Dikeh actually releases an album and it goes platinum and she breaks into the American market and wait for it…

…Wait for it…

Wins
A
Grammy! *Faints at such thoughts*

What if Madonna’s kiss has lost its potency for ending careers? Because if it hasn’t, please tell me why Nicki Minaj is still relevant???

What if I eventually agree to … (Arggggh! Lost that train of thought)

What if those guys on Glee didn’t agree to sing some of our favourite songs while ruining it in the process or making it so overly dramatic! Don’t get me wrong I think those guys can sing (with exception of Finn) I love Kurt but they should say no to singing some songs.

What if Fela didn’t die?

What if Biafra DID come into existence?

What if Chika finds out that …(Aaarrrrgh! Another lost thought, Damn!)

What if I wasn’t so HAWT? *shudders at the thought*

What if the Holocaust hadn’t happened? Or Hitler wasn’t born?

What if we all died and went to Heaven and Morgan Freeman IS actually God??? *dodges another round of bullets, planks, shina rambo CD’s* 😛

What if there was no internet?

What if the missing chunk on the apple icon is eventually found and glued back on?

Ok I feel I’m losing it so I’ll just stop here…
Ok, just one last question…

What if the world DOES go under and it was just left for Babalola and Vanessa to replenish tha earth???

*runs to shokolokobangoshe*
Wait, that’s an actual place right?

Peace out y’all!

PS: Do add your ‘what if’s’ or questions that keep you up at night in the comments section

Authored By Helen,

Helen is one of the authors here at La Critique and can be reached at ai51182@yahoo.co.uk
Follow her on Twitter @HaYchRoxx

Follow @LaCritique_ng on Twitter and like us on facebook http://facebook.com/TheCritiques

I was scrolling down my TL and I saw a coursemate’s tweet that took my mind on a short journey, he tweeted the lyrics of 2 Chainz’s Birthday Song, and I laughed at the probability of him being a chief Judge in a few years. The thought led me further, I thought about how several things would be in the next couple of years. Politicians would be more concerned about the content of their Swiss bank accounts than the content of the lie-infested manifesto that gave them the ticket to corrupt wealth. Oil bunkers and notorious fraudsters would easily slip out of prison sentences by handing over Bugatti keys (to be honest, I won’t hesitate to accept that as a judge, just take your mind back to the days of Moses and imagine the car as the blood of the lamb.. all sins are forgiven right? *big smile*). With the disgusting filthiness of minds these days, it wouldn’t be a surprise if male gynecologists will attend to ‘Kim Kardashian-looking’ females before all others. Starting to seem fun yeah? It’ll be actually. Picture Sauce Kid’s son, the politician, under Sinzu Political Party whose motto is ‘Sinzu is Sinzu’.. makes no sense yeah? That’s the point, nothing will.
Oh and our beloved church congregations, everyone seated with their iPads in their hands leaving their dusty Bibles at home, with the Tweetdeck or Temple Run app running while the Bible app is a version that needs an upgrade. Then a ‘spirit-filled’ member tweets “the flippin’ Holy Spirit is up in here y’all! *Rozay grunt*” and 18 other members will retweet, including some of the deacons seated close to the pastor. The preacher on the altar might not mind, he too might not be interested in what he has to say, he just wants to get to the tithing part. The most “blessed” sisters would usher in their clingy dresses silently praying that the husband search behind the desperate smile on their faces will not be in vain as it’s their twelfth church in six months.
What would be really interesting is the education system and the way things would be done, toddlers would be too busy with cartoons and games that ought to be rated 16 to have time to learn the names of the various states or the multiplication table like we did, on the good side, they won’t cry when they are dropped off anymore because they’ll love it! Imagine toddlers looking forward to school, awesome! Secondary schools will replace their bands with twerk teams and their extracurricular clubs will have cool names like ‘hawks’ and such… oh ‘hawks’ is a lame name? No? I thought as much *adjusts shades*. Math formulas would be taught by rappers because that’s the only way the students will listen. Lecturers on the other hand will have their work cut out for them, they’d come on the first day of the semester and write down their account numbers and say stuff like “if you don’t learn enough online, notify me with an alert and if I like what I see I might help you out”.
Our wonderful entertainment industry, (trust me it is wonderful indeed, filled with wonders!) *switches to serious tone* Our music will evolve *holds laughter*, it will develop from the uncategorisable (yes it’s a word I made up) combination of sounds to something too amazing to describe (not sure that means something good), it would be empty yet filled, filled with nothing! I used to have a music playlist titled ‘Noise’, it was a mixture of the songs with the loudest jumbled words and sounds, repeated lines and the most pathetic ‘punchlines’. Why did I create it? Well I too need to get psyched once in a well and aside the high possibility of ear damage, it doesn’t really have other effects.. better than burning green leaves right? *adjusts halo*. By then there would be a musician with the name.. say… Kush Descendant and he’ll just go into the studio, brag about blowing ‘trees’ and blowing money, pledge allegiance to the game and to a couple of fallen angels and throw in a bunch of other delinquent stuff (as his intoxicated mind chooses) and later on decide to drop an album with all the tracks being practically just one song trying unsuccessfully to have any form of meaning. Nollywood on the other hand would be making movies with more “parts” than the number of episodes in a foreign series.
There’s more goodnews! We’ll have more shows, yes more tv shows, infact too many for people to keep up with. There would be Nigeria’s very own Thirteen and Pregnant, we might have our own 90210 for the insecure wives of billionaires, the Real Housewives of Lekki, I’m a Househusband and I’m Proud! (unemployment might be that bad), a Boko Haram documentary titled Blown Away, a show about confused kids like Willow Smith who think they are bisexual or a show like Jerry Springer for teens who think they’re going through mid-life crisis of some sort, who knows, every young child then might be in therapy.
There will be numerous shows of course but I want you to be surprised *excited grin* *tongue out*.
For our young females who misinterpret the saying “less is more”, strutting around with shredded pieces as clothing would be in vogue. There would be no limits, no boundaries, after all they are indeed young, wild and free.. speaking of young, wild and free, Wiz – inspired young men would proudly honour their mentor by covering their with skins with tattoos and letting their jeans hang so low, wearing none wouldn’t make any difference. Also bear in mind the many lost ones who would drop out to pursue their dreams when the only place they’ll be living those dreams is in their dreams. Adults might not be able to control teens so most would have between 0 – 2 kids to limit the chances of them passing on from hypertension. Children would be raising babies of their own and it just might blend in alongside ridiculous and countless piercings, body modification and all the other norms the next generation would nurture.
I know I’ll be a cool parent anyway so I’ll enjoy this generation and the next. These things may not even be so bad, like they say, who makes the rules? *shrugs*.

Authored by Kanyinsola,

Kanyinsola’s one of our authors here on La Critique and runs her own blog at http://www.whisperingnotes.wordpress.com
Follow her on Twitter @MsTeeDairo

Follow @LaCritique_ng on Twitter and like us on facebook: http://facebook.com/TheCritiques

This and That

Posted: November 10, 2011 in Movies, Music
Tags: , , ,

So here I am listening to the song ‘Carolina’ by Saucekid ft. Davido, and I still don’t know what I’m going to write about. It’s Monday morning and I’m feeling sleepy because I had a late night (don’t ask). Eureka! I know what this article is going to be about. It’s going to be about ‘this and that’ (I can imagine raised eyebrows at this) ehen? Yes? If you have a problem with it well *shrugs*. Lately I’ve had a coupla’ things really ticking me off and this is the avenue I’m going to talk about them.

First I’d like to talk about Nigerians and their love for mediocrity, especially in our music industry. I’ve watched tons of videos and listened to megatons of songs and it’s as if it gets worse by the day cos I don’t seem to understand the path our music is going these days. Lyrical content is on an all time low, you listen to some songs and you’re just like “WHAT THE FACK??” Daily, our ears and eyes are ‘raped’ by these songs and then you put on your TV and BAM! the videos accost your eyes and then you’re like “THE FACK”?? you see the chicks acting like their lives depend on whatever part of their anatomy they are shaking at that point in time, weird looking guys with funny looking clothes, fake blings and then there’s so much colour (or lack of it) you could actually get blinded. I know some people might be like yeah yeah, what’s she on about now but honestly let’s tell ourselves the truth, yes the world is evolving and Nigerian music is going places but seriously at what cost? You see and hear new music every day and it just seems like everyone is a musician these days abi who doesn’t wanna go for shows and make thousands of naira? Become a GLO ambassador and make millions? Drive the latest cars and all that ish? It’s gotten so bad that it’s now a rat race so the consumer, me, gets to be the ‘lab rat’ on which all these products (the songs) are tested on…Finally, FACK???!

These days you hear people who don’t have any business going near a microphone much less sing/ rap or whatever, churning out songs like five Naira akara. Rushed and half baked/ cooked beats + CRAPPY depthless lyrics and behold a song is born. Or how else can you explain why anyone would apparently go into the studio, pay for several studio sessions and come out with a song that goes

‘make you follow me, follow me for twitter, my facebook don full oh myspace too don full so make you follow me follow me for twitter’

Like seriously??? Who advises these people? Don’t they have friends? Parents?? Hence my thesis about Nigerians’ love and acceptance of mediocrity, because honestly if the bar was raised a notch higher (ok, maybe several notches) I think the musicians would know they’d have to work harder to impress their listeners but as it is that is not the case at all cuz it seems there’s an unspoken rule that hey what matters is that you start getting shows and you’re made! They play your crap on the radio and at the clubs and you’re a ‘star’. Am i the only one who’s not getting this?

So what happens if I wanna just listen to a song to soothe me? Not dance to or disturb my neighbors with. What happened to when music used to make sense? When it wasn’t all about the boobs or ass on a girl or how many cars you own, the chicks you bone or the bling bling you wear, and whatever baseless thing you choose to sing about. What happened to conscious music? Telling a story or making one up for all I care and not how your enemies are now angry at your ‘success’ cos you don ‘hammer’. Sing to me, let your music make me think, reason or make me smile genuinely and wanna share, put some sense into it and if you can’t write, hell hire a songwriter and let everyone work and be happy. I’m not saying all Nigerian musicians are bad, before some people call for my head we have some Great artistes that make my soul glad when I listen to them as opposed to the weeping it does while listening to the other ones.

I should give credit where credit is due and hail some dope producers who have some really madt beats but really a producer can only do so much and a song is not all about the beat, what are you doing to stay relevant? Will I wanna hear your song three months from now? Will I even remember it? Would I wanna quote or meditate (not spiritual) on

‘I wanna put it on like 1,2,3, wanna put it on you like 1,2,3… everytime x18 you wan dey use me like a roll on, roll on, bla bla bla’

Common people I know some songs are just supposed to be fun songs and all but I think a lot of people are taking advantage of that too much and making it seem like that’s what music should be all about. I’m not trying to pick on any particular musician but I’m just saying y’all could do better. Entertain me; thrill me, that’s why you’re an artiste for Pete’s sake! (who tha hell’s Pete by the way?) Oh, before I forget I like ‘Carolina’ by Saucekid and Davido sha

Now to Nollywood, please oh, what’s with all the crappy films that get churned out every day and with crazily stupid titles to boot, yes they keep giving the excuse of the industry still growing but is it gonna grow on the CRAP that you make and sell? It’s just like the music industry, anyone just picks up a camera gathers ‘actors and actresses’ (side eye) together and BAM! a movie’s made woo hoo! And they keep crying about piracy, but please tell me if you wanna fry my brain with your senseless stories, terrible production and horrible plastic acting then why da heck would I wanna buy the ‘unpirated’ copy of your 6 part or more movie? All released at once, won’t that be a death sentence on ma self? Please people let’s be sincere with ourselves Nigerian movies are not it at all; I’m not saying foreign movies are perfect but at least they are bearable to an extent. And please what’s with all the ‘funny’ and annoying titles? Why (for the love of Jesus Christ) would I wanna act in a movie titled ‘Lady Gaga’ biko? Why why why *insert weeping sounds here*. It’s like our so called actors don’t give a hoot “abeg just pay me and lemme ‘act’ and go my way joor”, but what about your career, your dignity? Nollywood movies like ‘Ben 10’, ‘Small Shit’, ‘2pac’, ‘Beyonce and Rihanna’, ‘Chicken Madness’, ‘Iraq and Afghanistan’(aki and pawpaw naturally), ‘Bottom on Fire’, etc.

Ben Ten!! Really??

Beyonce and Rihanna!! Sheesh!!

Icould go on and on but I’m sure we all get the picture! Nollywood please you guys should all wake up and smell the coffee (abi na puff puff) and start giving us movies we can be proud of and not gag while watching!

Now just quickly I wanna talk about the fashion trends of these days, what’s up with all the skinny jeans and funny looking clothes guys are wearing these days? You see some guys and you’re like OMGG!!! Did this dude leave his house like this? Our celebrities too are not left out; it’s like the smaller, the tighter, the better. Please guys I’m not saying don’t be fashionable or move with the times, but honestly less is more (not wearing less clothes oh) and simplicity should be your watchword. Plus if you know you ain’t got the physique for such apparels then don’t bloody wear them and assault our eyes at every turn. Let me not even start with colour combos at all because that one is another matter entirely.  I just feel it’s all being over done so please guys tone it down a notch. Not leaving out the ladies though y’all are guilty of the same offence!

Ok I guess that’s it from me for now…

And I’m out like Kim K.

Authored by Helen (ai51182@yahoo.co.uk)
Helen is one of our admins here at ‘La Critique and can be reached at http://www.facebook.com/TheCritiques

Follow her on Twitter @Haychroxx, and LaCritique @LaCritique_ng

Recap

Posted: November 6, 2011 in Movies, Music

Hello World,

It’s been forever since I blogged about anything at all. What can I say… Life took over I guess. I’m sure you are wondering what I have been up to and even if you are not I’ll tell you anyways.

I got a Job in some random Ice box of a state and my work days are not normal so coming online to grumble about every and anything has not been possible. To be honest, it wasn’t like I couldn’t find the time, I think I needed to take a break for a bit I guess.

Oh! I also started working on a memoir of some sort. I have had a more interesting life than the average young lad and I decided to put it on paper. Might never see the light of day but it’s some sort of therapy for me I guess.

Anyways..That’s about it really. Glad to say I am back to blogging full time. so expect something from me more frequently. I’m sure you have missed me *wink* and even if you haven’t… O well *shrug* who cares!

Albums, Movies and TV shows have been popping up back to back in the last couple of months. Some good..Oh wait scratch that; very few have been worthy of note. Most especially the new TV shows.

In this post I’ll be sticking it to those shows that are not worth watching (both new and old), Albums not worth buying, and movies I wasted money going to the movies for. Don’t take it personally if your favorite show/movie/album ends up on here. I’m just calling it as it is.

TV SHOWS

First off, Why o Why is Ashton Kutcher on “2 and a Half Men” ? Am I missing something? How did they go from Charlie Sheen: A Playboy/man, junkie- alcoholic to Ashton Kutcher: Near-retardo/ Demi moore’s soon to be Ex-boy-toy?

This time last year 2 and a Half men was the most watched show on TV. Right now they are not doing anything close to Charlie’s “winning” numbers. In the new show Ashton plays some billionaire Silicon Valley dude whose girlfriend dumped him so now he’s trying to win her back. Don’t get me wrong it’s not a bad concept for a show in anyway but it’s a horrible concept if you decide to name that show “2 and a Half Men”. All you hear is Ashton Kutcher’s whinny adolescent voice and after a while you just want to slit your wrists.. Yes the shows really that bad! What’s worse is he’s making everyone else on the show look bad and for some curious reason very old. Even the hilarious old maid is about as funny as my Grandma taking a dump in my microwave oven.(yes that did happen) Chuck Lorre needs to just kill this show and come up with something entirely new. Agreed Charlie was a Douche bag but you have to admit he was the very reason the show existed.

Funny thing is I don’t think Charlie can even do anything else. He’s already stuck with that role and I am afraid no one can see him outside of that anymore. Steve Urkle anyone?

S.N: What’s with the cave man look in Hollywood these days? Seems like no one wants to shave anymore. Who knew the Officer Ricky look would catch on!

Most people who know me know that I am big fan of Gossip Girl and Desperate Housewives. Don’t judge me ok. Anyways, Gossip Girls on its 5th season and honestly I have to say it’s looking like it’s on its last leg. Truth be told the show remains true to what made it popular in the first place but for some reason they seem to be pushing it too far. The twists, turns, manipulations and lies still gets doled out on every single episode but it’s getting a little over the top.

Do know most of these kids aren’t even 18 yet? Errr.. There’s only so much you can convince me a 17year old can get up to before it starts getting ridiculous.

In Season 5, Blair is supposedly pregnant. No idea if it’s Chuck’s or The Count from Monte Cristo or is it Monte Carlo who she is engaged to be married to. Chuck has a little Fi-Fi dog for a companion now. Dan Humphrey wrote a book……..and it goes on and on. It’s left to be seen if it would last another season but I still watch it religiously and I probably will till the last episode airs.

“Desperate Housewives”, which is on its 8th season, has gotten just a wee bit too dark and depressing for my likening. Maybe this is just me being a chicken but if you ask me the murder cover-ups and Lynette’s divorce does not make it something I want to watch after a long day at work. It used to be mostly about comical mix-ups and funny antics. Lord knows where that went.

Long story short, I don’t think I’ll be watching it anymore. The first 6 seasons were super but I think they lost the plot in the 7th. Wish all the actors all the best. God knows they might probably never see work after this. Hope they have some really good investments.

As for the new shows; please stay away from “The secret Circle”. Some harry potter wannabe show about witches and all that rubbish. You might be able to sit through the first 2 episodes just to say you gave them a chance but that’s about as far as any sane person can go.

The Secret Circle Cast


Do not bother watching “2 broke girls”. I don’t even know if it was supposed to be a comedy or drama. It’s a total fail from all angles. Jokes, plot, props, acting, you name it. I don’t see this show surviving this season period.

“Charlie’s Angels” goes without saying. Who in his/her right mind would watch this? What pisses me off is the fact that these Hollywood execs would never let things be. They have to ruin everything for everybody. Remake this, Remake that. I don’t want to watch another “Charlie’s Angels”! I don’t want a “Foot Loose” remake. I don’t want to watch a “Scar Face” remake. Isn’t there such a thing as sacred over there anymore? *sigh*

ALBUMS

I have to say by far one of the most anticipated albums of this year as a whole was Lil Wayne’s Carter IV. Even while he was in jail everyone expected him to come out blazing. First off he had all the time in the world to think without being under the influence, Secondly he had started writing again as opposed to his previous 4 albums where he recorded off the top of his head.

When the album finally dropped I was shocked at how bad the album was. My problems with the album starts right from the album cover. Who’s idea was that? Im guessing the theme was a more matured Weezy.. FAIL!

Tha Carter IV


Secondly, Wayne was obviously trying so hard to sound deep and “grown”(in line with the album cover I’m guessing) but just ended up with lame watered down Ice-prince-esque punchlines (Yes! That’s a real word look it up), weird sounding choruses and too many hashtag rhymes. Word of advice Weezy, No one expects you to say anything deep; neither does anyone expect you to say something that would bring a change to the world. Leave that to the Lupe Fiascos of this world. All we want is crazy punch lines and good music simple! You do know most of your listening audience does not include graduates right? So if they can’t decipher your lines then what’s the point? Oh well! I guess now we know what a sober Weezy sounds like. Err…I don’t like it. *sips codeine* “Care for some Weezy?”

Another disappointment, which in all honesty I wasn’t surprised was Ice Prince “ELI” Thank God I did not even bother buying this one. Rather I “organized” it.

The best song on there is not even worth listening to. Can anyone truthfully say you can stand “Oleku” right now. The songs has been played and slayed and remixed and merixed. No doubt it was probably one of the best songs out of Nigeria in the last 1 year but I don’t think it’s enough reason to buy the album.

Everybody Loves IcePrince


Asides that I don’t think there exists anything else on the album worth listening to. Every last punch line falls flat on its face. I wish I could have posted a review for this album sooner. I take the blame entirely if you already purchased the album. I should have warned you sooner.

3 doors down dropped an album in July. Their first offering since 2008 and I guess I had my expectations too high. It was a decent effort if I do say so.

“When You are Young” which was released as a single sometime in may is probably the only thing worth mentioning on the album. Curiously though it’s just a wee bit too similar to “Landing in London” (Take another listen). I think the issue was everyone expected something more or shall I say too much from them. Question: How many rock bands have more than one decent album in their lifetime? Asides from the Cold plays of this world, very few and I mean very few but the funny thing about the genre is you can coast for 10 years on the success of one album. I don’t think I’ll be breaking the credit card out for any album they put out anymore. To be brutally honest “Time of my Life” is a wimpy excuse for a Rock album”

MOVIES

When I think about the worst movies I have seen this year, one movie jumps right in my head “The Green Lantern”. I have said this over and over again. Never shoot a super hero flick with a known A-list star!

Why do you think “SpiderMan” was as successful as it was? Why do you think “IronMan” was as successful as it was? Not because they were such awesome stories. NO! Simply because everyone roots for the underdog. The entire concept of the “Super Hero” is turning normal/everyday/boring to “Super”. Don’t tell me Ben Affleck who looks like something from GQ is a super hero. Don’t tell me Halle berry is suddenly cat woman! No I’m not buying that. But then again who listens to me.

“Green Lantern” just totally sucked and not because the acting sucked or the graphics or anything it was just because it was not believable simple!

Who else saw “Larry Crowne”? You would think that a movie that had Tom Hanks, Julia Roberts, Taraji P. Henson and Cedric the Entertainer would at least make sense. Wrong! It was a horrible attempt at a romantic comedy and I don’t even know why I actually paid to see it. It was far from funny. Say what you will Julia Roberts best days are behind her. I never liked her anyways. “Larry Crowne” was a very pointless movie and if you haven’t seen it then count yourself lucky.

Sad to say the list goes on and on. Things are not looking good right now in TV land. The general lack of innovation and outside the box thinking is depressing. Everyone seems to only be interested in ruining perfectly good classics and making books and Video games into movies. Hopefully something gives soon.

Hit us up in the comment section with your best and worst movies, TV shows or Albums from January till date.

Authored by Chuck;
Chuck is one of our admins here at La Critique
Follow him on Twitter @Capt_mdb.
Follow us on Twitter @LaCritique_ng and We are on facebook: http://www.facebook.com/TheCritiques

WARNING: This… is UBERSEXUAL. If your ass is wound uptight, do not proceed. Chances are you’ll get so mad and get an even more uptight ass that you won’t be able to shit again and will die of constipation and your epitaph would read: John/Jane Smith, Born who-the-fuck-cares, Died no-one-still-cares. He/she/it died with a mouthful of shit. Literally. You have been warned.

Hey y’all! How y’all doing? No of course I do not really give a shit how you’re doing, dumbasses; it’s not as if any of you asked how I’M doing, and since you didn’t, I’m going to go right ahead and tell you how I’M doing, because, (a) it’s all about me, and (b) I fully intend to piss you off. Don’t gimme that self-righteous look! Everyone’s a narcissist… I’m just a better person than you all are, because I’m not afraid to be honest and be who I truly am – a narcissist of the first order.

Enough of that for now. I’m willing to bet you’ve been wondering why this is just coming in. Well I’ve been busy… falling in and out of love, falling back in again, doing digital marijuana, absinthe and hash, and such advanced meditation that Deepak Chopra and the Dalai Lama have booked appointments that I may share insights from my new found, infinite well of knowledge… Shit, my seven chakras are WAY more open than the legs of every slut in every red light district on planet earth put together… Okay, now I’m no longer making sense to myself. Ah well. Let’s just say, life’s been so grand that I totally forgot you all existed. Shit, I even forgot I existed (the latter being a colossal mistake I intend to avoid repeating). But out of the goodness of my heart, and my abominable love for ye mortals, I have decided to briefly get my flyy ass off my pedestal and bless you with this “trashicle”. Bask in the glory of my glory while you can. I do not intend to make this a habit. If you have an issue with me, especially as regards this paragraph and the one before, well, that’s too bad. Here’s a dildo. Make yourself happy.

¬\-O-/-

And now that I have insulted you to my fill, let’s get to it. For those of y’all not familiar with me and my writing – and why the fuck not – I have a remarkable talent for writing about absolutely nothing. I’d apologise for tooting my own horn, but I wouldn’t. I mean, that would be like apologizing for rubbing my own clit. I like it. It’s fun. Point, blank, menses (“menses” means the same thing as “period,” doesn’t it?)

While we’re on the topic of “pleasuring” oneself, I’d like to talk about motorcycles, or as we like to call ‘em in Nigeria, “okadas.” Motorcycles are very sexual machines. Why? Because they vibrate. I could stop right there, and let your minds go on and expatiate upon that, but no, I’ll just help out. Because I’m nice like that. No, not really. I’m only going to bother expatiating because believe it or not, there are people out there who have absolutely no imagination, and I’m not about to assume y’all are that smart, so yes, I will go ahead and insult your intelligence. The way I see it, an unwarranted insult beats an undeserved compliment.

So why does the fact that motorcycles vibrate make them sexual? If you’re a dude – I’m only guessing about this – they probably tickle your balls. One thing Hollywood has taught me is that for some reason, getting your balls tickled is supposed to be very erotic. (I’m curious, IS it?) If you’re a chick… well duh! It VIBRATES. BETWEEN YOUR LEGS.Do I honestly need to say any more? O_o ( For all we know, the bike probably does a better job than your boyfriend’s lil’ pecker.) Furthermore, motorcycles are very sexy for tonnes of reasons. One of them being Nicki Minaj bouncing up and down on a motorcycle made of ice. Just look at that face: Quick note: “Your browser may not support display of this image.”

Oh… Ooooh yeeeeah! Givvit to me baby…


Oh, Nicki, you bad, bad girl… and you too, you bad, baaaaad motorbike…! No, my hands are not currently downstairs – how could I possibly type and play with myself, huh? Frickin’ perverts! You know, on a second thought that would be #badass. So maybe I AM doing both.

Back to the motorbikes, another reason they are so sexy is not just because Hollywood paints them that way, but because it’s an awesome way for a dude to get boobs pressed up against his back. When I “fly bikes,” as we call it, I do my best to avoid this, but on occasion, the “okada man” would encounter a pothole, and bump! There go my Nina and Tina against his back. And I have encountered a few who would slide as far back as possible on the bike so my twins would have no choice but to be crushed. Oh…*sob* my poor babies! So if you’re a dude and you haven’t quite been able to get laid in all your over-two-decades-or-more on earth, becoming an Okada man is sure to alleviate your depression somewhat. Oh, and make sure your bike’s made of ice, so you can pretend the girl’s making Nicki-sex-faces because of you, you sad sonovabitch.

While we’re still kinda sorta talking about Nicki Minaj, I wanna use this opportunity to talk about those who keep going on and on about subliminal messages in music videos and movies and the whole illuminati agenda. I only got one thing to say to y’all. Shut. The. Fuck. Up. No really. Yeah maybe some of you reading this think I, instead ought to be grateful they’re pointing all this shit out. But I’m mad. Unapologetically so. Look how much they fucked up my mind, and took away my sweet, sweet innocence and naivety (assuming I had any to begin with). Now, because of people like Vigilant Citizen, I think this frame from Nicki’s “Super Bass” was deliberately set up to look like a dick and two balls. Ice cold balls, to be precise. Either that or it just ejaculated and is covered with a lot of semen. Yeah that’s most likely it. And the fact that the balls are cups most likely is planting a subliminal message in our minds to swallow the semen. So if you’re a dude and you find yourself enjoying this video, then like Riley would say, “nigga you gay.” Or at least you will be in due time – and all because you wanted to check out that crazy sexy chick with the bod that commands Peters to stand at attention. Quicknote: “Your conscience may not support display of this image.”

Oh Look! A dick and two smoking balls!

And then, this next picture has Nicki doing the one-eyed illuminati symbol thingy (look that shit up. I ain’t even gonna go there). Quicknote: “Your Stupidity may not support the display of this image”

Ooh! Ooh! Two rock hard penis-speakers and the one eyed sign to boot!

On top of that, look at the speakers. They’re phallic in shape. They look like rock-hard, ice cold penises. (I wonder what screwing an ice penis is like.) And now you know exactly what Nicki meant by “boom-booloomboom-boom-booloomboom-eh.” Nicki… You naughty, naughty girl.

So, I have this question for VC and Vigilant Cittizen die hards: now that thanks to you, we can spot everything Illuminati in practically everything), what exactly have you achieved, other than giving the Illuminati the publicity they most likely deliberately seek after? Oh I got a few more questions. So if one of the Illuminati signs is the one-eyed thing, and I have two eyes, does that make me two times Illuminati? You know, I just WISH I knew all this symbolism shit back when I was in secondary school. Cuz then I hated math, and I coulda used this as an excuse to solve one less math problem.

Teacher: Why didn’t you do your math homework?

Me: (clutching rosary) because my mommy says the Pythagorean theorem is demonic, because it has to do with triangles and triangles are like pyramids, and pyramids have to do with the Illuminati and the Egyptians who tortured God’s people back then.

Teacher: I don’t care. That’s just ridiculous. You’re doing your math. And why didn’t you do your English?

Me: Because I looked through all the words in it and found that all the letters that make up the words pyramid, triangle and Illuminati in them. Vigilant Citizen’s taught me to be vigilant like that. (Clutching rosary harder, rocking back and forth)

Teacher: Okay, nice try. You’re doing your homework, and that’s final.

Me: (Stops rocking) You know ma’am, technically doing my homework would entail me putting it in between my legs and shoving it in and out… (standing up pointing at teacher with rosary in hand and yelling theatrically) You want me to insert triangles and pyramids and the Illuminati into myself so that I can give birth to the spawn of Satan, don’t you? You want me to birth the anti-Christ! That’s what this homework thing is about! Curses upon you, I say! Thou art possessed of a demon! I shall now exorcise you! Expelliarmus! Obliveé! The demon won’t leave… I’m going home to call my mom. Mooooommyyyyyyy!!! (running out the door then turning back briefly and pointing at teacher) Avada Kedavra! (running out)

And that’s how I woulda got away with not doing my homework AND gotten more time to go back home and watch some more Harry Potter while playing Summoner 2 and Soul Reaver at the same time. Yup. Multi-tasking. Cuz I’m #badass like that. B)

So if you’ve stuck with me till now, I’m betting you’re wondering what kinda sick twisted mind would write all this. Stop tasking your brains. I’ll tell you why I’m this way. When I was a kid, I made a habit of burying my nose into the couch whenever the visitors we had at home would leave the house. No, I kid you not. At first I started doing that because I really liked their perfumes… after that I discovered farts were even better. I got high off of ‘em. But then again, I have always been able to get high off of anything. At some point I must have inhaled some very toxic fart that messed fried my circuits. You know what’s even more messed up about this? I taste EVERYthing I smell, VERY acutely. No I kid you not. And yet I kept inhaling. What?! Don’t judge me! You’ll never understand! Bloody mortals! Argh!

And now I return back to my pedestal. Sharing from my infinite fount of wisdom and knowledge does have its adverse side effects. Y’all should be fucking grateful to me. Are you feeling fucking grateful to me? No? *Striking six hundred and sixty six of you with thunder and brimstone* Anyone else not feeling fucking grateful to me?! HUH?! That’s right. That’s much better. Bow down and worship. Lower. It makes my toes curl. Oooooh yeah. We’re done here.

Authored by Vanessa;
Vanessa is one of our admins here at La Critique flyyness@gmail.com. Follow her on Twitter @Call_Me_I
follow La Critique on Twitter @LaCritique_ng, We are on facebook too http://www.facebook.com/TheCritiques

Beyoncé’s fourth studio album leaked online last Tuesday.

  I would like to point out here that I am not at this time admitting that I own a copy of the album, digital or hardcopy. All I am willing to admit is I had a listening session.

Anyways, I am not Beyoncé’s biggest fan neither do I own any of her previous albums. I do however respect her work ethic and the quality of music she has put out so far. From “Crazy in Love” with Jay Z to “ Baby Boy” with Sean Paul to “Irreplaceable”, not forgetting “Single Ladies” You have to admit that she has put out some good music.

When I finally listened to the first single off the album sometime in April, I was totally and utterly disappointed. I am not saying the song in itself was horrible but I really did expect more. C’mon Bee you could do better than that cheap ass beat and lackluster lyrics. When I saw the video, all I could do was wonder whose idea this was. The entirety of the song was a repetition of the phrase “who run the world, girls” with a dash of MutherF***ing thrown in at regular intervals. At this point I wasn’t looking forward to the album.

Few weeks later, on the American Idol finale, she debuted the opening track on the album titled 1+1, introducing it as her favorite song on the album. The track was almost a capella. All you hear is her lovely voice and the piano. On the track she sings “Make love to me” in such an orgasmic voice (Yes please) and I felt like this was more the Beyoncé I know. Thus my Faith was restored.

Fast-forward to the 7th of June when i “attended a private listening session” a full 3 weeks before the album release date. Really Columbia??? Jay Z?? smh. Anyway, the 12 track album opened with 1+1 and from then on its all R n B ish ballards which beyonce took advantage of to remind us that she really can sing. “I miss you”, “Best thing I ever had”, Tracks 3 and 4 respectively, are tracks that you would definitely have on repeat. I see those 2 topping the charts in a couple of weeks.

Mr Andre 3000 showed up on the 5th track “Party” which was produced by Kanyewest. Trust 3000 was the only high point on the song. But with a good video, I see a lot of potential here. I know everyone who has any idea what good music is would definitely want to see Andre 3000. His study leave at Julliard sure left me missing him *cough* (No homo)

Track 6 “Rather die young” and 7 “ start over” are your standard R n B singing/crying. Nothing to see here. *skip* *skip*

The 8th track titled “Love on top” has a retro 80’s feel. That I am sure everyone would definitely enjoy for the nostalgic feel. Thumbs up Bee!

Track 9 titled “Countdown” is probably my best track on the album. Maybe I am just a certified hiphop head. Jay Z or Kanye had better jump on this one and make a remix. Honestly this is the only track I would have on repeat on the whole album. Just keeping it real folks! *repeat*

Track 10 “End of time” is the weed smoking cousin of “Run the world”. Curiously though I think she sampled Fela Kuti on this song. Regardless though it wasn’t enough to salvage this junk. Just too awful! *skip*

“ I Was Here” which is the 11th track is such an oddly placed track. But it’s hauntingly beautiful. Ok maybe I’ll have 2 tracks on repeat. I actually liked this one. Beyoncé went all out on this. All Beef aside, she’s got some amazing pipes on her. *repeat*

The album closes with the horror show that is “Run the World”. How or why this song made the album I would never understand. *Skip to track 9*

Overall, it’s not one of Bee’s best body of work, but it’s not horrible either. I think the whole idea behind the album was going back to her R n B roots, which if you ask me is not a bad idea, due to the fact that that genre is relatively dormant at the moment. Is this the album that would re-awaken the genre? Abso-fuckin-lutely not! But it is a step in the right direction.

Obvious in the album is the fact that it seems like she really has an alter ego. The album is split in 2 parts one very tame part and one Fierce and energetic no nonsense part. I am inclined to say I like the Sasha Fierce half better but then again with songs like “Run the World” im left wondering if Sasha has gone tone deaf.

A lot of planning obviously went into the album, and I am sure that is the reason why the album is more R n B than the border-line pop everyone was expecting and in my opinion the reason for that is very simple RIRI!!! The album is totally different from RiRi’s . So anyone who compares both album should probably go get a CAT scan. Or just get a cat and stick to listening to its annoying purrings and leave music alone.
It was never a competition in the first place anyways and it seems like Beyoncé has realized that.

Long story short. If you love RnB then please get the album. It’s decent and a good listen. Only 2 good songs on there for me but feel free to let me know what you think when you eventually “buy” the album. If you decide not to buy the album, then please let me know what recent RnB album you have in your collection. NeYo? R.Kelly? smh

See ya

Authored by Chuck;
Chuck is one of our admins here at La Critique and also runs his own blog at http://www.blogblogaboutit.blogspot.com. Follow him on Twitter @Capt_mdb.
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