Why Super Heroes Won’t Fly In Nigeria

Posted: March 18, 2013 in Movies, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , ,

PSA: No Humans were harmed in the writing of this article. We plan to keep it that way after as well

So I was taking a dump, smoking weed with a little bottle of Sabrina the other day, thinking about my next article on LC and then it hit me. What if I was bit by a mutant tse-tse fly (tse tse flies cause sleeping sickness), got super powers (although the kinda super powers, apart from flight, you’re supposed to get from a tse-tse fly still beats me), made a fancy costume and became *drum roll*… Tse-tse fly man or HouseflyMan (or whatever), wouldn’t that be just amazingly awesome? Yeah? Okay, maybe not. but it got me thinking further, what if our favourite super heroes and comic book characters were actually based in Nigeria (Lagos to be specific)? Would their tasks have been made easier? Would the good people of Lagos State and Fashola cooperate with them? So I looked at some of them and tried to picture the challenges they would go through and decided to share with you guys.

So first person that gets in the spotlight: Batman or as I like to call him; The Bat. For those who’ve been following La Critique for a while now, if you would humour me and just take our minds back to the first piece I did on the World’s Greatest Superzeroes, you would recall that I didn’t write about batman and I only commented on him being one of the most realistic super heroes because he relies purely on his wits and technology to combat enemies. Now, Master Bruce Wayne is a multi-billionaire based in Lagos, lives in a cave (he’ll probably find a good one in Igando or Ikorodu), has all these fancy gadgets and his state of the art bat mobile. (Let’s just assume, for the purpose of this article, that he’s not really a billionaire and he’s an average citizen in Lasgidi) First problem I see with Master Bruce is NEPA. All that effizzy he’s busy doing in the cave with his butler Alfred using technological equipment to track enemies and browse for data. Pfft!! He should just get a Mikano, a high-end inverter or forgerrabarrit. Especially if Area C too will need to be powering the bat signal in the sky. Then the network he uses to browse too will matter because if he’s on MTN, Swift or Starcomms, Master Bruce would be better off going to the cafe o. Two: Fuel scarcity. If he was in Lagos, na trek he go de trek go crime scene or if he gets bike, that’s assuming LASTMA and road safety no dey high way because of the Fashola ban. We’d probably catch a glimpse of him once or twice qeueing up at the filling station with a jerrycan or ordering for black market fuel, and all those fancy gadgets he usually carries around? He better have original chargers for them else when he’s fighting the joker (whose Lagos version would most likely be a jazzman or area boy) all those gadgets will just fail him.

Next super hero that comes to mind is the Amazing Spiderman! Peter Parker. Broke but brilliant college student, part-time photographer and hopeless romantic is a mutant spider-bitten freak who goes around spinning cobwebs and combating crime. Number 1, it’s either spiderman will be based only in Marina and broadway (where there are lots of skyscrapers he can cling to) or na NEPA pole and wire he go dey use travel. Two: he’ll either be in Yabatech or Unilag and both ways, he’s screwed. You go dey Yabatech, be engineering student come broke join, you will now have time for catching pick-pockets and armed robbers?? Taah!! I was once an Engineering student in Yabatech, so I know whereof I speak!

The Avengers: I think the avengers would be quite formidable with Captain Nigeria being their lead guy (who would probably look like a glorified national mascot in his green white green costume) let me even talk about captain America (who in this case is Captain Nigeria) whose story would have been set during the Biafra war and tins. Forget all that one he was doing with the Nazis and Red Skull (who in our case would’ve been Major General Odumegwu Ojukwu) nnah, gbagbe oshi, na jazz Biafran soldiers go use for am last last! Abi the serum they prepared for him is impervious to jazz ni?

Next stop, Thor would probably just be Sango or Amadioha and we know either ways, instead of forming super hero, he’ll just be accepting sacrifice up and down from citizens for different levels of favours and requests.
But I’m thinking “amadioha/sango (let’s call him Amadisango or Sangodioha ) wouldn’t just be accepting sacrifices… He would be striking people with thunder… Okay wait there’s something wrong with that sentence because… Sangodioha is the god of thunder, if I’m not mistaken… And my English teacher once said “thunder is the ‘boom’ that follows after a flash of lightning”, in other words, it’s just noise. That said, Sangodioha is useless in the scheme of things in Nigeria. Especially useless during this season which is as dry as Vanessa’s great grandma’s vagina (please don’t ask me how I know this) May she rest in piece by the way. Or peace or piss or whatever!
So Sangodioha would probably be more useful in creating distractions or diversions with all the noise of the thunder but seeing as you can’t have thunder before lightning, he probably needs to consult the deity who’s responsible for lightning which in this case would be Storm *quickly pictures haych in Storm’s costume* but gods are conceited anyways and I can tell Sangodioha’d be like ” Why the fuck would I, almighty Sangodioha want to go confer with a woman before i can use my powers???”… Omo na back to lemming sacrifices yo!

And how about freakazoid? Does that guy actually have superpowers, what’s he do anyway? He’s more of a super freak (well if he wasn’t babalola, they wouldn’t call him freakazoid now would they? *sips opa eyin*) well the Naija version of him would probably just be your average mad man on the road. No, of course not the average mad man. The Nigerian version is this guy

Freakazoid of Life

Freakazoid of Life

Now there's a Super freak if i ever saw one

Now there’s a Super freak if i ever saw one

Aha, then there’s the hulk, who’ll probably not have his sane alter ego, Dr Bruce Banner because as a Lagosian, by default, you’re angry! So that one will just be breaking and smashing at will. He would have destroyed MTN’s offices and NEPA’s as well… Maybe visit the State house at Alausa, depends on where he channels his anger.

I think lagosians would personally love the Green Lantern. Or let me rephrase, the Green Lantern’s Lantern! Yes, he’s virtually useless without his ring and the lantern. he’ll probably just convert both gadgets to home use. The ring with it’s power will just turn to stand by inverter and the lantern, well… The song “2010” by Sound sultan comes to mind.

Authored by ‘Lola (@Lolaelblack)
With or without additional insights from Vanessa (@VanessaKanu)
‘Lola is the editor here at La Critique and can be reached at lolaelblack@gmail.com
Follow @LaCritique_ng on Twitter and like us on facebook http://facebook.com/TheCritiques

Thanks for stopping by, you have helped one more orphan in Kenya!

  1. kunle olawale says:

    *coughs* ahem! What was it you said about Vanessa’s great-grandma’s sontin? I can imagine If Vanessa was a super hero. *puts down the the Playboy mag*

  2. winsome says:

    Aki! Oops ‘lola U’re ryt. Here in Lasgidi Peter Parker would be d pick pocket and not d oda way round cos he ll need money 2 sort sum lecturers (I didn’t say dat) cos dis is Naija. *wink*

  3. jiraiya says:

    My good frnd Mansard has done it again! *clapping*! Lmao! U tink its a coincidence there has been no super hero from Africa yet? Lmao

  4. @kunle if Vee was a vampire??? *runs away screaming* Nooooooooo! The horror! THE HORROR!!!!!

  5. Did i say vampire? Smh *closes vampire diaries* I meant, If vee was a super-hero!

  6. Some-Random-Bitch says:

    *waltzes in in the middle of a squirting orgasm*
    *squirts on all of you*
    Drink up, bitches!!!
    *waltzes away*

    Oh, btw… I hope you like the smell. I chewed several cloves of garlic before that.


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