A Random Letter From The Asylum

Posted: March 16, 2013 in Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

To The Humourless
For those of you who take things too seriously or literally, my articles are most likely going to piss you off. And that’s okay. It makes me feel useful to society. At least you’ll think twice about whether you can raise your own kids and not have them turn out like me. There. Population control.

On La Critique, Myself and My Farts
What makes “La Critique” a different blog than most others? We’re snobs. What makes Vanessa Kanu different from the other La Critique authors? She’s the only one who will admit to being a snob. She’s the only one who would scroll down to comments like “una too dey blow grammar,” and fart on her phone just to prove a point. Never mind that she farted on her OWN phone, not the commentator’s face. She’s also the only one who refers to herself in the third person, in a horrible attempt at concealing her arrogance. Or is it her inadequacies? Well you’ll never know.

On My Face
I have one of those faces… the sort you look at and conclude is a hot, but arrogant bitch. It’s probably my prominent jaw. Or the fact that I constantly look bored. Or that I hardly crack a smile. Or how I look like I see right through you. Literally. It’s like you’re not even there. Until I briefly decide you are, so I can use you; and then promptly make you disappear again. Flush you down the toilet of my mind. The toilet that is my mind. Like soiled used tissue. Only difference between me and everyone else when it comes to soiled used flushed tissue, is if absolutely necessary, I will dig through the cesspit to find you and use you again. Nasty? I know. I can be nasty.

On A Certain “Wise” Saying
They say when you point a finger at someone, there’s four pointing back at u. I’d like to correct that. There’s only three pointing at you. Your thumb is pointing at the pointee too. So, in a bid to make sure when I accuse someone, I’m not accusing myself as well, here’s what I do. I point with all five fingers. Ha! In your face, random wise and witty sayings guy!

On “Healthy” Relationships
The truth about healthy relationships is that they are not so healthy. You think they are, but they aren’t. For one thing, the bitch-forward-slash-douchebag you’re dating won’t come right out and tell you when you’re getting fat. Mostly because in a healthy relationship you’re not supposed to hurt your significant other’s feelings. But wait till you break-up. Then you think to yourself, “who does she think she is? I’m gonna find me a replacement, stat. Or a rebounder”. And then you look in the mirror… And you find a double-chin, a pooch for a stomach with about three to four space tires, lovehandles, and a double chin. And the cunt you were dating used to tell you you looked awesome. See? Healthy relationships are unhealthy.

For The One Who First Used the Term “Love Handles”
I mentioned love handles. The fool that named that area of fat, that, should be hanged. If already dead, he should be given a by-force resurrection, so I can shove a red hot metal rod up his rectum and have it come out his mouth. And then I’ll pump acid up there. And then he may be hanged. That’s how unlovely the term “love handles” is. Before you start, ITK, I know why it’s called love handles. So stow it.

More On Why Healthy Relationships Are Unhealthy;
I have a birthmark on the back of my left hand. My ex used to worship it. Said it was sexy, for some reason. Had conversations with it, even. I swear, if there was a way I could have detached my left hand from myself, I am sure I would have walked in on both of them having sex. Now before you say already, that’s an unhealthy relationship, recall we’re talking about me here. That’s healthy in Nessa’s book. So what exactly makes it unhealthy in my eyes now? Well, because everytime I look at my left hand, I want to lop it off. I took a scouring sponge to it once. At least, I tried to. I chickened out. Yes, Nessa’s not as daring as you all thought. Big whoop.

My Recommendations for A Better Nigeria

1: Allow LGBT’s freedom and rights. I know this has nothing to do with Nigeria. I just want my best bud Mansard to feel free to be himself. Like Denrele. Who, I am NOT saying is gay… I just love that dude because he doesn’t give a shit what people say/think about him. He does him. Not in that sense… Well, probably in that sense but that’s not my business and I don’t know.
2: cap Johnny. This can be loosely interpreted… As in give him a new cap, or… You know. Only I know what I mean.
3: Shut down all educational institutions. The system is dead anyway. Channel the funds elsewhere.
4: ban cars. Endorse motorcycles and bicycles instead. I’ve said a million times before: Nigerians are sooo unfit. A bicycle would do each good.

At this point, it should be pretty obvious I’ve been talking out my ass and I haven’t got a clue what good governance entails.

On Animal Rights
Nigerians… I know you couldn’t care less about things like this, but hear me out. Animals are beings too. Just like us. They should have basic rights… To air, to life, to be free, to screw and be screwed. And so, in order to show solidarity for this movement, (which I know I will be the only member of) I have decided on the 23rd of March 2013, at 12 noon, all firm believers in animal rights should gather at the Civic Centre, Lagos… With an animal of their choosing…

And fuck it.

Das all. *drops mic*

Authored By Vanessa,

Vanessa’s one of our admins here at La Critique and can be reached at vanessakanu@ymail.com
Follow her on Twitter @VanessaKanu

Follow @LaCritique_ng on Twitter and like us on facebook http://facebook.com/TheCritiques

As always, thanks for stopping by…

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Comments
  1. Kay says:

    Nothing like a lil early morning foolishness to start off the weekend. Looking forward to March 23rd.

    Ta!

  2. 'Lola says:

    Well, on the 23rd of March, I shall be at the said venue with an animal of my choosing… Vanessa!! (˘⌣˘ʃƪ)

  3. Vanessa says:

    @Lola… I’m your bitch. Anytime. ;;)
    @Kay… Lol! See you there! And I think you should bring a snake. A: they’ve been misunderstood long enough and B through Z: other obvious reasons. 😀

  4. Ita Kufreabasi says:

    Her royal flyness. Another “descriptive” piece. Keep flying! (pun intended)

  5. winsome says:

    23rd of March it is. Solidarity for Animal right.

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