Christmas Sucks

Posted: December 24, 2012 in Uncategorized

PSA: You probably read the title already, yeah? So if you are one of those “I love Christmas” Kumbaya bullshit people please do me a favor and click that red “X” at the top right corner of your screen and go watch *Insert your favorite Christmas themed porno* e.g. Jenna Jameson rides bad Santa
Now don’t get me wrong, I am not a Grinch or anything of the sort. I actually did like Christmas for a brief period in my life when I didn’t know my left from right (unless you are talking about left & right hand held games *sigh * good times).
I have given the whole Christmas thing some thought lately and concluded that it’s totally not worth it. I know! I know! What an un- christianly thought, but common! You know you think about it too. You know you hate it just as much as I do. Or maybe just a wee bit.
You know you hate seeing that cousin your mom’s been singing his/her praises all year. Going on and on about how awesome they are. Even though you know that cousin of yours is a self-important asshole acting all holier than thou when you know what she did last weekend
You know you hate that frigging artificial tree that sits in the box all year till your mom says you should go get it. Yes! You hate that tree! God knows I do. My family’s had the same one for the last 10 years. And for the last eight I have been the one saddled with taking it out the box, setting it up and back in the box again come January.
You know you hate sharing your bed with someone who is not giving you any nookie. Or even giving up the bed altogether. Having to sleep on the couch that smells like your mom’s Yoruba friends butt, probably because she’s been sitting on it all day with the DSTV remote in hand scarfing down fried food and watching African magic Yoruba
You know you hate the never ending errands and the non-stop washing and cleaning and sweeping.
You know you hate the fact that you can’t stay in your room all day in your PJs and not shower till 10pm. Hell! At this point you don’t even have a room
You know you hate your aunts and uncles and their pesky nosy attitude asking you stupid ass questions like “where is your Boyfriend?” and you have to bite your tongue not to say “woman I won’t be here if I had one would I? Or those ones that ask you how’s school?? Even after you answered the same question last year, letting her know you have been out of school for the last 4years. Or my personal favorite, “Have you started working??” (Oh don’t even get me started on that one)
You know you hate it when you have to eat late. When all your clothes smell like smoke! Oh God forbid they cook food just enough for everybody. God forbid they don’t use those coolers that have been tucked away since last year. You hate it when the foods here one minute and then it’s gone the next. Leaving you the Christmas slave hungry and just mega pissed off.
Not to mention those neighbors who can clearly see the smoke rising from your cooking and still decide to bring food over in either that sickly looking 777 steel bowl or the white faux glass ones with the flowers on them
You know you hate it when that uncle fresh from Igonuku village comes to Lagos and you have to take him to the beach. To make matters worse you have to listen to his retelling of the Biafra war. A war he wasn’t even in for chrissakes!!!!
You know you absolutely hate those kids. Your pathetic attempt to speak baby goo-goo and your “aww! She’s so pretty” is not fooling anyone. You totally hate those damn kids running through your room like they own the damn place (o! wait it’s not even your room anymore). There’s always that one kid that has constant diarrhea, one kid who never wants to share, one kid whose only goal in life is to make sure your family would need new plates and cups come January and one kid who is constantly crying.
While we are on that you hate the parents who keep making a new spawn every year. I don’t want to believe people really have time to have that much sex anymore or anyone is even that fertile either. Plus you just know there’s a competition going on between all of them who live in that damn “face me I slap you” building.
But amidst all the hating, you have to realize that Christmas is here to stay and family is family you can’t trade them or sell them. (At least not legally).
Few Tips to get you through this horrible.. oops I mean holiday period;
-This is the one season where lies would make you and everyone around you infinitely happy.
-The worst thing you can do at Christmas is be honest, Don’t tell your Grandma her rice tastes like ass. Don’t tell your mom you would rather watch the Arsenal game than “Sikiratu sindodo”. Don’t tell your dad that the Gangnam style and Azonto are two entirely different things.
-Be civil, respond to everyone the way they expect to be responded to.
-Keep your opinions to yourself. Keep all your conversations as shallow, mundane and mind numbing as possible.
-Accept the fact that you would be killing off some brain cells during this period
-Above all, have a bottle of unfiltered gin tied to a string and dropped in the water system in the bathroom. Whenever you feel like you are about to lose it, just go in there have a drink and everything would look a whole lot better. Promise

Authored by Chuck

Chuck is of our admins here at La Critique, follow him on twitter @Capt_Mdb and @LaCritique_ng

We are on facebook too.

Thanks for stopping by, merry christmas and a happy new year in advance!

  1. crackedhalo says:

    Haha! Chuckie, you totally need a Christmas intervention! Come to my house this holidays; I’ll show you how it’s done.

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