Nollywood In All Its Glory

Posted: December 5, 2012 in Uncategorized

 Ever got pissed off while watching a Nollywood movie wondering if all producers naturally assume that only dumb people watch their movies? Some are so bad you almost challenge yourself to prove you can come up with something much better. I remember a scene in this movie I saw that was so poor it was unbelievable. They were in a ‘cave’ in a ‘forest’ and the next thing I saw was the dragon in Merlin. They didn’t even make any effort to properly fuse it in a way that would have reduced my urge to yell “WTF?”. It was so annoyingly fake, I was close to tears. I kept wondering how a person could put such a terrible idea on screen without being shot. Go ahead and make your bad movie, just leave the good ones out of it.
    Over time, I’ve come to the conclusion that there’s no special skill, experience or formal education needed to produce these movies. Most of the self-acclaimed producers are experts in other fields who stumbled upon acting and along the line decided to try their hands on producing movies. I mean you don’t have to be a Steven Spielberg to come up with a story line because truth be told, majority don’t take out time to write something that makes you inquisitive about the brain behind such brilliant work.
  The story is usually so cliche, it’s irritating but apparently that doesn’t matter. Some screw ups are so common you can’t help but notice them.
– You don’t need to go the extra mile to come up with something above standard or better still, it doesn’t even have to meet the standard at all.
Don’t stress it out on the props, anything within your reach or not too hard to get would somehow have to make do. “Like my movie or make your own!”
The ‘special effects’ don’t have to be so special, effects are effects. A normal person gets the point yeah? (Dem go understand) Mission accomplished.
It’s okay to have ridiculous “fails” eg. A person recollecting a 15 year old occurrence may not have aged a bit, might even have the same hairstyle. If you look at it from the producer’s point of view, there’s nothing wrong with it or an evil spirit teleports to a house and starts knocking on the door.
– It’s okay for an American returnee to have a British accent.
– It’s okay for “gunshots” to sound like bass drums.
– A ghastly motor accident isn’t one unless the car skids repeatedly and then ends up in the bush.
– A person whose leg is hit by a car can die on the spot from that alone.
– The English subtitles in Yoruba movies do not have to be grammatically correct, you get the idea right? so move on.
– A ghost always makes a dramatic entrance and a dramatic exit.
-Mother-in-laws are always scheming, unnecessarily over-protective and mean to their sons’ wives.
– Oh and there are numerous ways to cut down on the cost, you can split all the main posts that make up the crew among yourself and your family. There’s even no crime in being in the cast and the crew, after all nobody made any rules regarding that.
– Suspense ain’t shiii! No time to think, just make the main concept the title and make it easy for a person to tell how the movie will go and how it might end after watching the first three scenes.
– The ‘daughter’ can be older than the ‘father’… but what is your business? just watch the movie.
– And yeah it’s okay for a newly born child to look a year old… a baby is a baby.
– To make more money, your movie can have 3 or more ‘parts’… one dose of torture isn’t enough.
  There are too many issues I wonder why these people haven’t given up. A person can watch a regular movie and conclude that Nigerian kids aren’t as smart as their peers in other countries. There are times you can see them laughing or trying to hide grins in serious scenes. Add that to the funny way they talk, picking their words one after the other – some even look pitiful in the process – makes you wonder if the child is struggling because that’s what it looks like.
    No need to mention names, but seeing the names of certain actors at the beginning of a movie would give you hints like what role they’ll be playing because it’s always that way or in some cases, it lets you in on what the movie is about. I’m yet to understand the reason for constantly using the same set of people over and over or why the producer just feels he has to be in a movie too when his/her acting is an outright zero, but then again only few of the actors themselves actually know how to act.
   Almost everything seems forced or unnatural, the bedrooms which are obviously hotel rooms, the forced accents, the make up on their faces when they wake up. And must new lovers play on the beach or run around their gardens? Must the king’s son or daughter fall in love with someone they can’t get married to because there’s a difference in financial or social status or some other reason? If you can’t get a real American to act as one, leave it at that, must a Lebanese with a struggling accent play the role instead? The ‘naughty scenes’ make you want to puke! The moaning sounds like irritating groans and the kisses are just plain horrendous! It’s like a fight to eat the other person lips.
   Bottom line, the movie doesn’t have to make sense bro. There’s the cast, the crew and a story, a moral lesson isn’t necessary. In fact, an impact on people, on the society in general isn’t necessary. Just do your thing and make your money, that is the reason for making movies after all. The good side to these countless flaws is that someone like me can produce a movie because I have what it takes, anyone has what it takes… there is a Nollywood movie producer in us all! *big smile*

Authored by Kanyinsola (@MsTeeDairo)

Kanyinsola’s one of our authors here at La Critique and runs her own blog at http://whisperingnotes.wordpress.com.

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Comments
  1. jiraiya says:

    I stopped seeing nigerian movies the day I could differentiate btw good nd crap! That blesses day in 1989! Lol.. Like u rightly said,only a selected few r gud,though I don’t see any! I wish dstv would even remove all those Africa Magic stations from my bouquet! U need to see the look on my face when visitors take it to those stations! ‘No AM in my house’…*straight face* comes next! Lol

  2. adeola says:

    Lolz I hardly watch Nigerian films cos of the mistake dey make is just to much.wen u c patience u already knw her part (wicked mother inlaw),akin and pawpaw (rats of d house),muniru ad ambali (crowns).Nollywood is actuali tryin bt its nt enough dey will get there some day mayb wen I become a grandmother sha.

  3. babarde says:

    I once told my siblings that Nollywood reduces cognitive and critical thinking

  4. kunle olawale says:

    Hey guys! Hush! Don’t let the Americans know our secret biological weaponry. We’ll play them all over the world and everyone will be like WTF but before any1 realizes, we’d have taken over the world with our mind-distorting visual-audio concoctions.

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