Top FIVE Reasons A Chimp Could Be Smarter Than You

Posted: November 3, 2012 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , ,
you think you're smarter? Think again, Einstein!!

you think you’re smarter? Think again, Einstein!!


So, I was browsing the internet searching for the key to enlightenment and self-betterment (yeah, right!) when I came upon some article about a chimpanzee. Apparently, a bunch of scientists, in the bid to further prove the Darwin evolution theory, ‘adopted’ a chimp when it was just born. They fed it regular baby food, wore it diapers, put it in a regular nursery with other human babies, made it watch TV and children educational videos, and basically raised it like a normal baby. Now, 3 years down the road, it walks on two legs, eats cereal out of a bowl, and –get this- can make decipherable sounds… meaning, for all intents and purposes, it talks! Frigging amazing, aye?

This amazing story got me thinking; Why are humans said to be the species with higher intelligence? If a chimp can be taught to talk, what’s so special about you? And the part that really gets me is the things that these supposedly highly intelligent people believe. Like seriously, breaking a mirror leads to 7 years of bad luck? I’m sorry but if there was a smart contest between the chimp and some people, my money would totally be on the chimp. And here are my top 5 reasons why. (I say ‘top’ because i have, like, a million of them. Honestly.)


5. YOU BELIEVE THE STORY ABOUT THE TALKING CHIMP! I still can’t believe you bought that. I must be a much better liar than i give myself credit for. Seriously, dude! What’s wrong with you? It’s a chimp! And if there really was a talking chimp somewhere in the world, you think you wouldn’t have heard about it before now? The chimp would probably have its own reality TV show! If you can believe that it’s possible to make a chimp talk just because you read it off some article, then… Wow!

4. YOU THINK THE WORLD IS GOING TO END IN 2012. I can write a whole book on the pure craziness of this idea, but seeing as I have to do my pedicure in about 20mins, i don’t have that luxury. I’ll just make this real quick instead. The reasons people believe the world would end on Dec 21 generally fall into 4 categories: dumb, really dumb, really REALLY dumb, and DUH!

Dumb: You believe that the world would end because there’s a planet (named Eris or Planet X) heading our way and it’ll crash onto earth on that date. Eris is a dwarf planet similar to Pluto in that it will remain in the outer solar system; the closest it can get to earth is about 4 billion miles. Besides, if there was a planet or a huge meteor headed for earth, it would have been pretty obvious by now. What do you think they pay the dudes at NASA for?

Really dumb: The Earth and the sun will align and lead to disastrous events. Well, you’re right about the first part; the earth and the sun WILL align with the approximate centre of the Milky Way galaxy. Want to know something even more exciting…? It happens every friggin’ year! Nothing to see here. Moving on…

Really REALLY dumb: The Mayan calendars say so. The annoying thing about people that believe this is that, most of them don’t even know the first thing about the Mayan civilization. And saying that the Mayan calendar would end on 21/12/12 is like saying OUR calendar ends on Dec 31st. It just marks the end of a year; flip the page and its Jan 1st. For the Mayans, Dec 21st (or 23rd, it’s not clear) of 2012 is just the end of a Baktun, a period of 394 years. This one is special to them only because it’s the end of the thirteenth baktun since ‘the creation of the world’, and the number 13 is sacred to them. That’s it.

DUH!: The movie! The movie!!! For you, dude, i have no words.

3. YOU BELIEVE THERE IS NO GOD AND HUMANS ARE JUST A BUNCH OF EVOVLED APES. There are only two ways to look at this; you’re either right or you’re wrong… and both ways don’t have a happy ending for you. Why? Okay. If you’re wrong, then there is a God. An all-powerful One. And I’m willing to bet that He’s not too happy about you ignoring his existence. And if you ARE right, then our dearly beloved chimp just might be your long lost cousin. I could hook you two up, and I’m sure he would be all too willing to hook you up with a sexy chimpette, and you guys can get married and have lots of partially evolved homo-erectus babies. See my point? There’s just no happy ending for you here, buddy – unless you’re into chimps… in which case, um… Ahem, moving on now.

2. YOU BELIEVE IN HOROSCOPES, FORTUNE COOKIES AND ALL THAT BS. Now, I am of the opinion that people should be free to believe in whatever they want without the fear of prejudice or criticism. That being said, it is MY belief that if you depend on crystal balls and funny-looking ladies with funny-sounding names like Madame Karishina to make your decisions for you, then you might be in need of a brain transplant. I mean, seriously! You break up with a perfectly great guy just because he was born in a certain month or your horoscope for the day told you you would meet your one true love in the next 4 days, and you expect me to think that you have your head on straight? Puh-lease! If you’re going to make a life-altering decision, then please have a better reason than, “the cookie said so”!

1. YOU BELIEVE IN THE MYTH CALLED PMS. Okay, boys. Let me let you in on a little secret that would cost me my street cred with the ladies. Many, many years ago, when men used to gather around fires to grunt about who had the biggest cave, women didn’t have a voice. They weren’t allowed to show emotions or act out, because… well, because they lived with cavemen. So, one starry night, when the men were snoring, the ladies gathered in the moonlight to come up with a solution; a way to get away with tantrums, and emotional outbursts and all-what-nots. After hours of sifting through ideas (someone suggested killing all the men), they decided to blame their outbursts on things the men would never understand: menstruation and pregnancy. And so the myth of Post-Menstrual Stress was born. This story has been passed from mother to daughter for several millennia. So now you know: PMS is your girlfriend’s excuse to get you to be her female dog once a month. Haha!

You see what i did there? See how ridiculously easy it was to make up a completely insane story and make it sound remotely true? Yeah, now let me rephrase my Reason No. 6:

1. YOU BELIEVE EVERYTHING THE MEDIA TELLS YOU. I shake my head at you, dude. I shake my head. I will not mention the Kardashians, the Bachelorette, 16 and pregnant, and all of the other absolute trash the media has come up with. I will not. *straight face*

Now, as painful as it has been for me to spell out the many reasons you could be dumber than a chimp (that is such a big, fat lie; i loved every second!), the basic point of this article is simple: check and double check every so-called fact before you buy into it, or there just might be a cage for you in a zoo. Don’t worry; I’ll ask the owners to spray your bars with glitter.


Authored by Kendra

Kendra is one of our authors here at La Critique and can be reached at
Follow her on Twitter @cracked_halo

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  1. adeola says:

    Nce article

  2. Achi_va says:

    I actually believed the story of the talking chimp *okbye.

  3. Patrick says:

    I saw this one Kendy. The Chimp is the champ. Nice.

  4. kunle olawale says:

    *polishing an uzi* who knows where Kendra lives?

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