How To Become Nigerian President For Dummies

Posted: October 27, 2012 in Politics, Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

The information contained in this article may be used as a substitute for professional advice (Yes!!)
The accuracy and completeness of the information provided in the article and the advice within is guaranteed or warranted to produce only one particular result (become Naija president) but the advice and strategies may not be suitable for every individual (especially if you had shoes when you were younger)
The author disclaims any liability for loss, injury, or damage, resulting directly or indirectly from the use or application of any of the contents of the article including any loss or injury resulting directly or indirectly from the negligence of the author (e dey happen).
Any application of the material set forth in this article is at the reader’s discretion and is his or her sole responsibility.
Now to the matter at hand; I missed the presidential debate between Mitt Romney and Barack Obama not because I was not interested but because despite my interest and keen desire to observe an intellectual debate between two men of notable repute go at it wit for wit, I missed it nonetheless due to reasons beyond my control.
So as a Nigerian, I’m wondering what our own presidential race would look like in 2015 and then I dug up a few things here and there in my bid to know what it actually takes to be the next Nigerian president and Voila!! Here, I present you with sure-fire tips that if followed to the letter will ensure you the seat in Aso rock
Now forget all that crap that self-help books tell you about having desire, passion, leadership qualities and all that bull. All that stuff might work in their world but not in Nigeria. So here’s our own sure-fire guide to getting the presidential ticket come 2015. Goodluck! ( pun definitely not intended)
1. Join the PDP (Power Democratic Party) : I actually had to search Google to be sure that the first P actually stood for “People”. There is nothing “people” about this party. They are all about power and seeing as it is conveniently what you also seek, Of course you should join the winning team to have any chance what so-ever of attaining the seat at Aso Rock Villa.

2. Be absolutely clueless: And I say this as the most important quality. Your cluelessness should be to the point of mind-boggling extremes. If whenever national issues arise, you actually have an idea what to do, then you have no business being our president. Whenever there’s a pending national issue or disaster, you can go on a diplomatic visit to The Republic of Siberia or represent the first lady at a United Nations Women’s conference (somewhere not-Nigeria). Hey, history shows it works!

3. You must have had no shoes as a child growing up in your remote community (or suffered a fate of similar proportions; like an earthquake wiped your entire community and you were the sole survivor or you were tied to a chair and forced to watch Tonto Dikeh sing for 24hours straight) whatever your childhood trauma, be sure to set it as the main focus of your campaign and anyone with half a conscience should vote for you. I mean watching Tonto Dikeh sing??? Who survives that?! Okay, moving on…

4. Patience: If you believe in the phrase “Patience is a virtue”, you’re either not Nigerian or you’re the current first lady of Nigeria *clears throat*. Alongside a little bit of goodluck to go with your campaign, you’ll also need patience (pun definitely not intended) to deal with the rigours of election campaign and media/paparazzi wahala.

5. Be bereft of tact: Always know exactly what to say when the need arises. Like when you’re questioned on terrorism in the country, you could answer thus “terrorism is a global phenomenon, maybe it is Nigeria’s turn” or issues like global warming you could just be witty “you know global warming is like getting fat. You know it’s bad, but what can you do about it?” now that’s what I call Savoir faire!

6. Never participate in debates with fellow candidates instead set up one with a celebrity that’s dumb enough to accept that role (suggestions: Tonto Dikeh, Vic O, D’Banj , Davido et cetera) and call him/her the youth ambassador. Arrange for him/her to ask you dumb questions and raise serious matters that affect the masses like how much money we need to change the design of Nigeria’s official vehicle number plates or how many more nit-wits should be awarded national honours (GCFR, GCON, MON, MUMU et cetera)

7. Don’t study anything that has to do with political science, liberal arts or governance-related in school: You see It doesn’t really help to have the right expertise when your aim is to be clueless. What would a degree in political science, law or the liberal arts do to help you govern Nigeria? Why not just get a doctorate in Chemistry, or Agric Science? or better yet, a jail term might do wonders for your CV. Whatever you study, make sure it serves as a pointer to the fact that you know absolutely nothing about governance.
So with these seven key points, i wish you the very best in your pursuit of the hot seat at Aso rock come 2015. I’m sure you might ask, why I haven’t taken my advice and become president myself? Well, my interests lie elsewhere but I am a sincere patriot of this great country *stifles laughter* and to prove it I am ending this piece with the pledge. I pledge to Nigeria my country, to be faithful, loyal and honest, to serve Nigeria with all my …….*struggling to breathe*…….. okay I’m done!

Authored by Lola

Lola is the editor here at La Critique and can be reached at
Follow him on twitter @lolaelblack
Follow La Critique @LaCritique_ng and like us on facebook too

  1. crackedhalo says:

    Laughing my tushy off! And I’m in public!!!

  2. jiraiya says:

    Hehehehehehe! Now,I forgive u! Wonderful piece!

  3. chingy says:

    Leave uncle jonah alonuo!!

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