Random Ramblings III

Posted: December 7, 2011 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

Okay, I honestly have no idea what to write about. I’m watching Fringe right now (that’s what I’ve been doing all day).  Being a couch potato is awesome sometimes. But hey, The Boss Named Black said I gotta turn this in now, so I have split my laptop screen into two. One half has Fringe playing, and the other has Microsoft Word.  Multitasking. Because I’m badass like that.

Over the past few months, I have dabbled into the realm of the paranormal (for you Nigerians reading this, by “paranormal”, I am referring to those things you would call “juju” or “jazz”). For the sake of the ignorant majority who are probably already crucifying me, yes, I know, I am dining with the devil and playing host to the hounds of hell. Point taken. Shut the fuck up and move on.  While I cannot exactly say that I have explored everything the human mind is capable of, I can say I have achieved quite a lot. I will proceed to share my achievements with you over the next few paragraphs. Or in just the next paragraph. Because I’d rather be going through my faeces and trying to find solid grains of rice from last night that somehow miraculously escaped digestion.  What? Stop fucking judging me alright?! It’s gross, I know, but I enjoy it. In fact, I have a turd collection. Yup… As in, I take a dump and then depending on its length, and width, I just might decide to keep it in this special, gold-rimmed, diamond encrusted display box I bought from Shoprite, and each turd comes with a complete description… Okay, I think I have digressed enough. I was going to tell you what awesome cool new super powers I have discovered.

It all began a couple of weeks ago, after I decided I’d done enough reading on all things esoteric and occult, and was ready to put it all into practice.  So, I first turned my attention to lucid dreaming. I felt that would be easy enough to do. Lucid dreaming is a phenomenon which involves you being aware that you are dreaming, and controlling what happens in your dreams. Supposedly, you can use it to significantly improve any aspect of your life you so desire… Or you could just use it to have that orgy you secretly fantasize about with all those celebrities whom, I should add, you will never get to see in this life or any others to come, you sick, sad, sorry eejit. Anyway, I was successful. I had a lucid dream. I got to fly around, I finally got to see what outer space looked like, I made objects and people appear and disappear wherever I wanted, I made all my secondary school bullies swim naked in hot boiling lava, then let snakes rape them all (they also raped the dudes too, anally) I kid you not, all this happened in my lucid dream. Having had enough, I decided to have a dream within that dream, Inception style (thank you, Christopher Nolan!)  I succeeded, and within that dream, I met an old, wise monk, and asked him for tips and pointers on how to really make full use of my mind in the “real world”. He schooled me. And at the end of it all, he took some yellowish-looking paste and drew a pentagram on my forehead, saying that I’d succeed at everything I decided to even just dabble in, in the “real world”.  He said as proof, I would be receiving a huge sum of money with the next couple of weeks, more than I’d ever actually had to myself. And then I woke up, then woke up from that dream again.   Hello real world. I thought it was all fun, but here’s the weird part: my forehead has a funny feeling, like a constant vibration. Sometimes it’s really strong, sometimes it’s faint. And even freakier is this: I did get money. More than I’d ever held or had in my life so far. At this point, I decided to take the monk from my dream-within-a-dream more seriously, and proceeded to practice what he’s taught me, in addition to what I already knew.

Last week Wednesday, I was able to bend a spoon. No, I shit you not. Not only was I able to bend it, I broke it, and put it back together, looking good as new. What’s so special about that, you ask? Well, nothing, other than the fact that I used my mind.  I was having so much fun doing this, I didn’t notice someone saw me and ran out to go get a few local pastors and “prayer warriors” to deliver me. Just as they were trying to get me to kneel in their middle, I bent and broke a spoon, and told them if they didn’t leave me the hell alone, I would be breaking them in two like that.  They fled. It was cool at first… but now no one in the neighbourhood will talk to me. It really hurts… I’m confused. These are the same people who believe Jesus walked on water and raised the dead, and who have Bibles that have Jesus saying we will do greater things than he did… And all I did was bend a fucking spoon and they ostracize me like this? The injustice of it all… Damn tho’.

The following night, (on Thursday, that is), I decided to have an Out-Of-Body-Experience (OOBE). Kinda like an NDE (Near Death Experience), except I get to return to my body whenever I want.  The first time I had one – I was thirteen at the time – I could have sworn I was dead, because I could see my body on the bed, and the room was soooo real. I kept floating toward the roof, before a force hit my “etheric body” and pushed me into my body on the bed. Then I woke, in the same position I saw my body in.  The Monk explained OOBE’s further to me, taught me how to deliberately induce one… and I gotta tell you… There’s a lot you can do with this stuff. But you won’t hear it from me.  Anyway, one of the things I did during that session was visit my cousin. I saw him doing the nasty with some random chick, in a place I was very unfamiliar with. Using the method the monk taught me, I picked up one of his socks, and her thong, and teleported them to my room, as proof. The next day, I called him up, and told him what he was doing last night. He denied it, until I described the room to him. Apparently, he’d just gotten the place. I’ve never been there before. He freaked out even more when I told him I had his sock and her thong, and sent him a picture to prove it.  Now he’s convinced I’m a witch. He won’t speak to me. Why is this world such a cruel, cold place? We used to be so close… So damn close…

I don’t understand why any of this is such a big deal, really.  All I’m doing is maximizing my mental/spiritual power.  I always knew humans were capable of much more. They laughed at the Wright brothers, they derided Galileo… Now they ostracize me, for showing that humans are capable of much more!!! Forget 4400, Smallville, Spiderman and all that crap. You don’t need to be “abducted” by “aliens” or be an alien, or be bitten by some exotic insect to be able to do all this and more… This is what Peak Milk has been trying to tell us all this while: IT’S IN YOU!!!  Why are humans so small-minded, so afraid of what is beyond their comprehension that they choose to stay in the dark, while the Illumined ones as I, live life as the One intended? Why? It really breaks my heart…

It equally breaks my heart to think that humans can be so gullible and stupid, and that a fair number of you actually believe the crap I just wrote. (You would think my mentioning that I’ watching Fringe would tip you off.  I’m laughing so hard I’m breaking wind of hurricane-like proportions! Not that everything I wrote is entirely untrue of course. I have had some… experiences.  But what is fact? And what is fiction? I’ll never tell, and you’ll never know.

Still so fucking gullible tho’!

On a completely random note, I admire Dido, for having the balls to use that as her stage name. My mind automatically inserts an “L” somewhere in between.

Also, is my mind so dirty, or is this sexual?

Yeah. I know. It’s my mind. It’s not that it’s filthy… It just likes to fill in the blank spaces. 😀

Authored By Vanessa;

Vanessa is one of our admins here at LaCritique and can be reached at flyyness@gmail.com

Follow her on Twitter @Call_Me_I , follow La Critique @LaCritique_ng

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Comments
  1. @_KEVolution says:

    Nice one, ewwwwww @ d shit pickin or waheva! Osheeeeee

  2. kay says:

    Lmao @ dildo…I can’t even comment on d rest…I’m stuck on d shit-picking part *pukes*

  3. Ladi Williams says:

    Nice. Very funny. I pity your parents tho

  4. Nkem Awachie says:

    Haha! You CrAzy b*tch! Yeah, I love this piece- hilarious, dirty and MeaN!

  5. This article is simply awesome! I think you are right on with your viewpoints and content. I like your style. I hope to return and read more of your articles. I’m sure they are unique. http://www.samsung1080phdtv.net/

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