HAPPILY EVER AFTER? REALLY?!

Posted: October 15, 2011 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , ,

Before I begin, I would like to state that it hurts me unbelievably to write this article. I grew up reading fairy tales, and even now in my old age, I still go back to them to glean hope when the boys in reality refuse to show up in shining armour. But, it is my sacred responsibility to bring you the truth, regardless of how I feel about it. So, to soothe my bleeding conscience, I have slit my wrists and am now bleeding over my keyboard. That being said, let’s move on to business.

Now, as many of you know, fairytales have a common plot and a common effect on people (and by people, I mean chics). The plot: fair damsel somehow ends up in distress, Prince happens to be walking past, saves the day, they ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after. The effect: *sigh* I wonder what’s keeping my Prince Charming. This effect stops us from asking certain questions, and it’s these questions I’m here to answer. Time to wake up, ladies!

RAPUNZEL

First of all, I want to applaud the guys at Disney. It takes supernatural powers to take a story as pointless as Rapunzel and turn it into a hit like Tangled. Seriously, what was the point of the story? If your hair is long enough, you just might snag yourself a prince? From start to finish, I can’t point out one thing that a kid could learn from that story.

If you’re not so familiar with this tale, I’ll try to give you a quick summary. A couple were expecting a baby after years of waiting. The pregnant chic decided that it was the rapunzel vegetable growing in the garden of their neighbour (who happened to be an evil witch) that she absolutely had to eat. Her husband (who was too much of a wimp to tell his wife to shut up and eat the amala and ewedu soup in the house) tried stealing some from the garden, and got caught by the witch. She offered him a deal: she’d let him go in exchange for his baby. True to his wimpy nature, he agreed. So, the baby was born, the witch named her Rapunzel and Whisked her away only to lock her in a tower when she turned 12. Rapunzel happened to have freakishly long hair, and when the witch had to bring her food and plenty of hair conditioner, she’d go, “Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair”. Rapunzel would then throw down her hair and brace herself as the witch climbed up. They lived like this happily until a Prince happened to be passing by while she was singing inside her tower. He waited around and saw the witch do the normal protocol to get in. After she left, he went to the tower, said the line, and our dear Rapunzel, who obviously couldn’t tell the difference between voices, let him in. And so began a peculiar but apparently successful dating regimen.After a lot of visits and a lot more sex, Rapunzel made a mistake. (For how i know they were having sex, wait till the end of the tale). She, in all her blondeness, asked the witch how come she was harder to pull up than the Prince. Witch got vexed (I have no idea why), chopped off Rapunzel’s hair, and sent her into the desert. She throws down the hair for the prince on his next visit. He sees the witch and jumps out of the window (Is it just me, or are all the dudes in this tale wimps?). He lands in a thorn bush, gets blinded, and stumbles off into the forest whining and bumping into trees. Rapunzel and the Prince wander around separately for a while until one day the price heard Rapunzel singing in the forest where she now lived with her twins (told you they were getting laid). They reunite, and Rapunzel’s tears of joy land in the prince’s eyes, curing his blindness. The Prince takes Rapunzel back to his kingdom. At this point, we can assume the situation is “happily ever after”. The end.

Morale of this tale: It’s okay to want something that’s not yours. Worst case scenario, trade your kid for it! Oh, and don’t forget to sleep with the first guy you meet.

SNOW WHITE

I’m just going to come right out and say it: Snow white was a slut. There, I said it. Before you start scratching my eyes out, hear me out. How else can you explain all the things that happened in the tale? The queen hired a huntsman to take her to the forest and kill her, right? Now, in those times, a huntsman was pretty much like a lean, mean killing machine. What do you think made this badass change his mind about killing Snowy? Hmmm? And don’t even give me the “he was just being merciful” speech cos that’s just a whole lot of crap. He waited till he got into the forest before he remembered to be merciful, huh? Oh, and after he decided to be merciful, he left her alone in the forest to be eaten by wild beasts? Puh-lease. So, she settles the huntsman, and then proceeds to move in with 7 guys. SEVEN! No wonder dear Ol’ Grumpy became a happy fellow.
Not only was she a slut, she was just plain stupid. I mean, come on! An old hag stops by peddling laces. She buys one and almost dies. Next day, another peddler comes with combs. She decides to try that too. Again, she almost dies. Next day, another person comes by and offers her a free apple that is –get this- half white and half red. Seriously! Even if we want to assume that she doesn’t know what an apple should look like, you would think the girl would have learnt her lesson. But nooooo! She bites, and dies. Good riddance if you ask me.

Now I know, in the version most of you read, some prince came by and woke her up with a kiss. But that’s not what happened in the older versions. The prince saw her in her glass coffin and asked the dwarfs if he could keep her. It was on the ride to his kingdom that she was jostled by the horse and the apple bite that was still lodged in her throat came out and she woke up. And so the Stupid Slut and the Necrophilic Prince lived happily ever after.

Morale of the story: Don’t worry, little girls. There are ways to convince men to help you.

JACK AND THE BEANSTALK

“Fee, fi, fo, fum,
I smell the blood of an Englishman;
Be he alive, or be he dead,
I’ll grind his bones to make my bread!”

Am I the only one that finds those totally inappropriate for a tale told to children? Come on! It sounds like something you’d hear in Saw! Jack and the beanstalk is another fairytale with questionable moral lessons. Jack plants some magic seeds which grow into a giant beanstalk. He climbs it and finds a castle in the clouds that belongs to a giant. He steals from the giant three times and when the giant almost caught him, Jack killed him. And then, he proceeded to live happily ever after. Yeah, that’s something i want to teach my kids.

Morale of the story: Don’t get caught. If you do, well, now you know how to handle it.

I could go on forever. There’s the prince in Cinderella who needs a frigging shoe to point out his ‘true love’.
Then Ariel, the little mermaid, had to change her entire personality to catch a man’s attention. And what was it with Red and that crazy ‘what big teeth you have speech?! Sadly, I have to stop now because, in case you forgot, I’m still bleeding to death. I’m going to lie down now and wait for my Prince Charming to come rescue me. Wish me luck…or call 911!

Authored by Kendra,
Kendra is one of our authors here at LaCritique
nnachikendra@yahoo.com,
follow her on twitter @cracked_halo

Advertisements
Comments
  1. kay says:

    Lmao!!!! I’m sorry, I’m laughing while ur bleeding all over but…lmao ohhhh!
    See african magic is d way! Hook ur man, yoruba style #okbye

  2. Emerald says:

    OMG!!! Kendra,this is crazy!!!! You do realise you’ve ruined disney cartoons for me right? Rotflmao!!!!! This is a beautiful piece!!!

  3. […] Happily Ever After? Really?! […]

  4. If you can’t sleep, after that wake up as well as make a move instead of laying there stressing, It’s the be concerned which will get a person, not really the lack of sleep.

  5. […] Happily Ever After? Really?! (thecritiques.wordpress.com) […]

  6. Kunle Blazes Olawale says:

    Kendra! Now, I remember why it was I fell in love with you! Awesome bit!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s