Is the world really coming to an end on May21st 2011?

Posted: May 15, 2011 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , ,

When Black asked me to write this article, I swore on my grandma’s grave, Chris Brown’s ridiculous brown hair and the panties I wore the very first time I masturbated that I wouldn’t be caught dead paying attention to all this bullshit about the end of the world being May 21st, let alone writing about it. But then curiosity got the better of me and I decided what the hell, I’ll check it out anyway. And all the nonsense I saw was motivation enough for me to actually write this. Damn you, Harold Camping!!!

Yes, dear old Harold Camping is the dude responsible for this May 21st speculation. Even put up a billboard advertising the Rapture. What baffles me is that people believe the dude despite the fact that he made a similar end-of-the-world prediction in the past, claiming the Rapture was going to happen on September 6, 1994. Well, we’re in year 2011, and I know I was anything but a saint at age five. I guess that would mean I’m in hell right now. I guess hell isn’t such a bad place after all…

I’d give you all the deets about how Dear Harry came up with the dates May 21st and October 21st and all the calculations involved, but I will not bother with that, because that would make me as much an eejit as he is. I don’t know what he was smoking, but I know that is not something I wanna fuck around with. One thing I will say is this: the Bible says one thing clearly: no one knows the day, or the hour the world is going to end. Not Jesus, not the angels; just God. In other words, what the Bible really is trying to tell people like Harold Camping is, “Shut thou the fuck up. Live thy life and keep thy ass outta trouble so you ain’t gotta worry about when God decides it’s time for the shit to hit the fan.” **forgive me Father**


Oh and here’s another thing – correct me if I’m wrong, but doesn’t the book of Revelations (in the Bible) say that after the Rapture, the anti-Christ is supposed to enter into some seven-year treaty with Israel, and for the first three-and-a-half years, it’ll be all good, but the next three-and-a-half would be horrible? So how does this all fit in with Camping’s prediction that after the Rapture on May 21st, the world will finally be destroyed October 21st, 2011? Oh sure Camping’s camp (pun intended) takes what the Bible says about a day being as a thousand years and vice versa quite literally, but I don’t even have to bother with any calculations to figure out that May 21st 2011 to October 21st 2011 is DEFINITELY not up to seven years, and a hell of a lot MORE than seven days!

So really… what is this about? What is Camping’s deal anyway? Is he trying to create worldwide hysteria just to say he “fucking did it” like Drake? Is he just a damn good business man? I mean, maybe he wrote/will write a book about it like he did about his 1994 prediction, and with all the panic, lack of information, and the fact that humans can be so gullible it’s ridiculous, he plans to make a killing off selling it… damn it! Why didn’t I think of doing that? Again I say, damn you Harold Camping!

Maybe the Rapture WILL happen and the world WILL end when Camping says it will. Maybe he got it right this time **snicker**. But I’m an Igbo girl. I see a business opportunity in this very false speculation. I’m going to print up a lot of pamphlets and sell them for two hundred naira on the streets. I even know a friend who has a friend (a rap artiste) who’s going to title their debut album “The RAPture.” Whether or not that’s a lame title is not for me to say, but I’m pretty sure if he/she/it plays their cards right, he/she/it could sell quite a lot.

I guess if you looked at this whole Harold Camping shtick from an entirely different angle you could actually like the guy and thank him too. On the plus side, the possibility that the world could be ending soon would shake a lotta people up, so they actually start living their lives, doing what they always wanted. And as an added bonus, suicide rates would drop, because hey, all you have to do is just wait a while for the world to end. I personally have a list of things I’d like to do before the 21st of May/October. Let’s see…
1. Go bungee jumping, sky diving and mountain climbing.
2. Run around my neighbourhood in my birthday suit.
3. Find out what’s gonna happen when I run a knife through my aunt.
4. Have sex with a chick.
5. Attempt to rape a guy.

Oh, the possibilities. Thank you, Harold Camping!

On a completely random note, I’m thinking rather than use the word “they” or writing “he/she/it” when you have no idea what sex a person is, (or if indeed that person is a person and not just a thing masquerading as one), we should come up with a universal pronoun. I propose “hesheet”, basically pronounced like you’d say he, she and it as a word (heesheeyet). Or, we could just go with sheheet (sheeyet), which I prefer because it kinda sounds like “shit”, only you “i” is longer.

Well… I’m done rambling. I’m gonna go get started on that to-do list of mine now. I’m thinking items 2, 4 and 5 are easy enough, so I’ll start from there. For item 2, I just have to get high on a whole lotta thangs. I have a pretty good feeling some girls have been creaming at the thought of shagging me, so 4 IS doable. And as for 5… well I hope all those hours of push-ups and sit-ups will pay off. Hopefully I’ll be done being bad just in time for the Rapture. I plan to repent of my sins on May 20th, sit on a lonely and deserted mountain top, Bible and crucifix in hand, and wait for the Camping Coming. Camping Coming… why does that NOT sound right? :-S

Authored by Vanessa (dat_nutty_gal@yahoo.com);
Vanessa is one of our admins here at ‘La Critique’, follow her on Twitter @iFlyyNess.
Like ‘La Critique’ on facebook; http://www.facebook.com/TheCritiques

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Comments
  1. jide lawal says:

    Count down 12days to go…….. lol.

  2. Don says:

    this is crazy, love this…

  3. […] Is the world really coming to an end on May21st 2011? (thecritiques.wordpress.com) […]

    • blacklola says:

      Then I guess it’s party time for the rest of us! **wink** Read your piece on Camping staging a disappearing act and I loved it. We’ll be following you on facebook and Twitter if you’re on them…

  4. Blazes says:

    Well, jus in the case of the universal clock winding to a halt on the 21st, I’m not going to be sarcastic in my reply. I jus have one question for Mr. Camping: “how…”. Wait! Vanessa’s looking for someone to rape? Did you know I was frail and shy? Choose me, please!! Time is running out!

  5. kay says:

    *now preparing my to-do list*

  6. chingy says:

    u shuld hav stuck to ur earlier resolve nd pay no heed to these “end tym prophecy” BS. The attention these kind of “prophecies” get further highlights d fact dat most people r very lazy wen it coms to readn d Word of God (The Bible) they much rather prefer to listen to persons wu they assume know more than them. But d fact is dat d Bible is d only place where d truth about these things can b found, and nowhere is it written in d holy book d tym, not even to d nearest millenium, wen that event will take place. So stop looking for “expos” and live right! But if u do need an expo then i gat one 4 ya…. In d book of revelations it was said that a pregnant woman is meant 2giv birth 2 d anti-christ. So @ we would nt hav evolved into wateva it is we r supposed to evolve to next. So i’d between nau and like-20 million yrs. See?, u dont need a harold camping to tell ya dat!!

  7. […] is the 16th May, 2011, exactly the middle of the month and five days till The Rapture (JK). I presently serve as lowly staff in one of the ‘big’ *rolling eyes* Lagos […]

  8. Ikenna says:

    Lmfao!!!!!……this post is jus epic!……….Lawd have mercy…….!

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